Introduction
Presentations and reports are ways of communicating ideas and information to a group. But unlike a report, a presentation carries the speaker's personality better and allows immediate interaction between all the participants. A good presentation has:
• Content - It contains information that people need. But unlike reports, which are read at the reader's own pace, presentations must account for how much information the audience can absorb in one sitting.
• Structure - It has a logical beginning, middle, and end. It must be sequenced and paced so that the audience can understand it. Where as reports have appendices and footnotes to guide the reader, the speaker must be careful not to loose the audience when wandering from the main point of the presentation.
• Packaging - It must be well prepared. A report can be reread and portions skipped over, but with a presentation, the audience is at the mercy of a presenter.
• Human Element - A good presentation will be remembered much more than a good report because it has a person attached to it. But you still need to analyze if the audience's needs would not be better met if a report was sent instead.
The Voice
The voice is probably the most valuable tool of the presenter. It carries most of the content that the audience takes away. One of the oddities of speech is that we can easily tell others what is wrong with their voice, e.g. too fast, too high, too soft, etc., but we have trouble listening to and changing our own voices.
There are four main terms used for defining vocal qualities:
• Volume: How loud the sound is. The goal is to be heard without shouting. Good speakers lower their voice to draw the audience in, and raise it to make a point.
• Tone: The characteristics of a sound. An airplane has a different sound than leaves being rustled by the wind. A voice that carries fear can frighten the audience, while a voice that carries laughter can get the audience to smile.
• Pitch: How high or low a note is.
• Pace: This is how long a sound lasts. Talking too fast causes the words and syllables to be short, while talking slowly lengthens them. Varying the pace helps to maintain the audience's interest.
• Color: Both projection and tone variance can be practiced by taking the line "This new policy is going to be exciting" and saying it first with surprise, then with irony, then with grief, and finally with anger. The key is to over-act. Remember Shakespeare's words "All the world's a stage" -- presentations are the opening night on Broadway!
There are two good methods for improving your voice:
1. Listen to it! Practice listening to your voice while at home, driving, walking, etc. Then when you are at work or with company, monitor your voice to see if you are using it how you want to.
2. To really listen to your voice, cup your right hand around your right ear and gently pull the ear forward. Next, cup your left hand around your mouth and direct the sound straight into your ear. This helps you to really hear your voice as others hear it...and it might be completely different from the voice you thought it was! Now practice moderating your voice.
The Body
Your body communicates different impressions to the audience. People not only listen to you, they also watch you. Slouching tells them you are indifferent or you do not care...even though you might care a great deal! On the other hand, displaying good posture tells your audience that you know what you are doing and you care deeply about it. Also, a good posture helps you to speak more clearly and effective.
Throughout you presentation, display:
• Eye contact: This helps to regulate the flow of communication. It signals interest in others and increases the speaker's credibility. Speakers who make eye contact open the flow of communication and convey interest, concern, warmth, and credibility.
• Facial Expressions: Smiling is a powerful cue that transmits happiness, friendliness, warmth, and liking. So, if you smile frequently you will be perceived as more likable, friendly, warm, and approachable. Smiling is often contagious and others will react favorably. They will be more comfortable around you and will want to listen to you more.
• Gestures: If you fail to gesture while speaking, you may be perceived as boring and stiff. A lively speaking style captures attention, makes the material more interesting, and facilitates understanding.
• Posture and body orientation: You communicate numerous messages by the way you talk and move. Standing erect and leaning forward communicates that you are approachable, receptive, and friendly. Interpersonal closeness results when you and your audience face each other. Speaking with your back turned or looking at the floor or ceiling should be avoided as it communicates disinterest.
• Proximity: Cultural norms dictate a comfortable distance for interaction with others. You should look for signals of discomfort caused by invading other's space. Some of these are: rocking, leg swinging, tapping, and gaze aversion. Typically, in large rooms, space invasion is not a problem. In most instances there is too much distance. To counteract this, move around the room to increase interaction with your audience. Increasing the proximity enables you to make better eye contact and increases the opportunities for others to speak.
• Voice. One of the major criticisms of speakers is that they speak in a monotone voice. Listeners perceive this type of speaker as boring and dull. People report that they learn less and lose interest more quickly when listening to those who have not learned to modulate their voices.
Active Listening
Good speakers not only inform their audience, they also listen to them. By listening, you know if they are understanding the information and if the information is important to them. Active listening is NOT the same as hearing! Hearing is the first part and consists of the perception of sound.
Listening, the second part, involves an attachment of meaning to the aural symbols that are perceived. Passive listening occurs when the receiver has little motivation to listen carefully. Active listening with a purpose is used to gain information, to determine how another person feels, and to understand others. Some good traits of effective listeners are:
• Spend more time listening than talking (but of course, as a presenter, you will be doing most of the talking).
• Do not finish the sentence of others.
• Do not answer questions with questions.
• Aware of biases. We all have them. We need to control them.
• Never daydream or become preoccupied with their own thoughts when others talk.
• Let the other speaker talk. Do not dominate the conversation.
• Plan responses after others have finished speaking...NOT while they are speaking. Their full concentration is on what others are saying, not on what they are going to respond with.
• Provide feedback but do not interrupt incessantly.
• Analyze by looking at all the relevant factors and asking open-ended questions. Walk the person through analysis (summarize).
• Keep the conversation on what the speaker says...NOT on what interest them.
Listening can be one of our most powerful communication tools! Be sure to use it!
Part of the listening process is getting feedback by changing and altering the message so the intention of the original communicator is understood by the second communicator. This is done by paraphrasing the words of the sender and restating the sender's feelings or ideas in your own words, rather than repeating their words.
Your words should be saying, "This is what I understand your feelings to be, am I correct?" It not only includes verbal responses, but also nonverbal ones. Nodding your head or squeezing their hand to show agreement, dipping your eyebrows to show you don't quite understand the meaning of their last phrase, or sucking air in deeply and blowing out hard shows that you are also exasperated with the situation.
Five main categories of feedback. They are listed in the order in which they occur most frequently in daily conversations (notice that we make judgments more often than we try to understand):
1. Evaluative: Makes a judgment about the worth, goodness, or appropriateness of the other person's statement.
2. Interpretive: Paraphrasing - attempt to explain what the other persons statement mean.
3. Supportive: Attempt to assist or bolster the other communicator
4. Probing: Attempt to gain additional information, continue the discussion, or clarify a point.
5. Understanding: Attempt to discover completely what the other communicator means by her statements.
Nerves
The main enemy of a presenter is tension, which ruins the voice, posture, and spontaneity. The voice becomes higher as the throat tenses. Shoulders tighten up and limits flexibility while the legs start to shake and causes unsteadiness. The presentation becomes "canned" as the speaker locks in on the notes and starts to read directly from them.
First, do not fight nerves, welcome them! Then you can get on with the presentation instead of focusing in on being nervous. Actors recognize the value of nerves...they add to the value of the performance. This is because adrenaline starts to kick in. It's a left over from our ancestors' "fight or flight" syndrome. If you welcome nerves, then the presentation becomes a challenge and you become better. If you let your nerves take over, then you go into the flight mode by withdrawing from the audience. Again, welcome your nerves, recognize them, let them help you gain that needed edge! Do not go into the flight mode! When you feel tension or anxiety, remember that everyone gets them, but the winners use them to their advantage, while the losers get overwhelmed by them.
Tension can be reduced by performing some relaxation exercises. Listed below are a couple to get you started:
• Before the presentation: Lie on the floor. Your back should be flat on the floor. Pull your feet towards you so that your knees are up in the air. Relax. Close your eyes. Fell your back spreading out and supporting your weight. Feel your neck lengthening. Work your way through your body, relaxing one section at a time - your toes, feet, legs, torso, etc. When finished, stand up slowly and try to maintain the relaxed feeling in a standing position.
• If you cannot lie down: Stand with you feet about 6 inches apart, arms hanging by your sides, and fingers unclenched. Gently shake each part of your body, starting with your hands, then arms, shoulders, torso, and legs. Concentrate on shaking out the tension. Then slowly rotate your shoulders forwards and the backwards. Move on to your head. Rotate it slowly clockwise, and then counter-clockwise.
• Mental Visualization: Before the presentation, visualize the room, audience, and you giving the presentation. Mentally go over what you are going to do from the moment you start to the end of the presentation.
• During the presentation: Take a moment to yourself by getting a drink of water, take a deep breath, concentrate on relaxing the most tense part of your body, and then return to the presentation saying to your self, "I can do it!"
• You do NOT need to get rid of anxiety and tension! Channel the energy into concentration and expressiveness.
• Know that anxiety and tension is not as noticeable to the audience as it is to you.
• Know that even the best presenters make mistakes. The key is to continue on after the mistake. If you pick up and continue, so will the audience. Winners continue! Losers stop!
• Never drink alcohol to reduce tension! It affects not only your coordination but also your awareness of coordination. You might not realize it, but your audience will!
Questions
Keep cool if a questioner disagrees with you. You are a professional! No matter how hard you try, not everyone in the world will agree with you!
Although some people get a perverse pleasure from putting others on the spot, and some try to look good in front of the boss, most people ask questions from a genuine interest. Questions do not mean you did not explain the topic good enough, but that their interest is deeper than the average audience.
Always allow time at the end of the presentation for questions. After inviting questions, do not rush ahead if no one asks a question. Pause for about 6 seconds to allow the audience to gather their thoughts. When a question is asked, repeat the question to ensure that everyone heard it (and that you heard it correctly). When answering, direct your remarks to the entire audience. That way, you keep everyone focused, not just the questioner. To reinforce your presentation, try to relate the question back to the main points.
Make sure you listen to the question being asked. If you do not understand it, ask them to clarify. Pause to think about the question as the answer you give may be correct, but ignore the main issue. If you do not know the answer, be honest, do not waffle. Tell them you will get back to them...and make sure you do!
Answers that last 10 to 40 seconds work best. If they are too short, they seem abrupt; while longer answers appear too elaborate. Also, be sure to keep on track. Do not let off-the-wall questions sidetrack you into areas that are not relevant to the presentation.
If someone takes issue with something you said, try to find a way to agree with part of their argument. For example, "Yes, I understand your position..." or "I'm glad you raised that point, but..." The idea is to praise their point and agree with them. Audiences sometimes tend to think of "us verses you." You do not want to risk alienating them.
Preparing the Presentation
After a concert, a fan rushed up to singer and gushed, "I'd give up my whole life to play as beautifully as you do." singer, "I did."
To fail to prepare is to prepare to fail.
Great presentations require some preplanning. First, read Meetings for an outline of preparing and conducting a meeting, such as acquiring a room, informing participants, etc. A presentation follows the same basic guidelines as preparing for a meeting.
The second step is to prepare the presentation. A good presentation starts out with introductions and an icebreaker such as a story, interesting statement or fact, joke, quotation, or an activity to get the group warmed up. The introduction also needs an objective, that is, the purpose or goal of the presentation. This not only tells you what you will talk about, but it also informs the audience of the purpose of the presentation.
Next, comes the body of the presentation. Do NOT write it out word for word. All you want is an outline. By jotting down the main points on a set of index cards, you not only have your outline, but also a memory jogger for the actual presentation. To prepare the presentation, ask yourself the following:
• What is the purpose of the presentation?
• Who will be attending?
• What does the audience already know about the subject?
• What is the audience's attitude towards me (e.g. hostile, friendly)?
A 45 minutes talk should have no more than about seven main points. This may not seem like very many, but if you are to leave the audience with a clear picture of what you have said, you cannot expect them to remember much more than that. There are several options for structuring the presentation:
• Timeline: Arranged in sequential order.
• Climax: The main points are delivered in order of increasing importance.
• Problem/Solution: A problem is presented, a solution is suggested, and benefits are then given.
• Classification: The important items are the major points.
• Simple to complex: Ideas are listed from the simplest to the most complex. Can also be done in reverse order.
You want to include some visual information that will help the audience understand your presentation. Develop charts, graphs, slides, handouts, etc.
After the body, comes the closing. This is where you ask for questions, provide a wrap-up (summary), and thank the participants for attending.
Notice that you told them what they are about to hear (the objective), told them (the body), and told them what they heard (the wrap up).
And finally, the important part - practice, practice, practice. The main purpose of creating an outline is to develop a coherent plan of what you want to talk about. You should know your presentation so well, that during the actual presentation, you should only have to briefly glance at your notes to ensure you are staying on track. This will also help you with your nerves by giving you the confidence that you can do it. Your practice session should include a "live" session by practicing in front of coworkers, family, or friends. They can be valuable at providing feedback and it gives you a chance to practice controlling your nerves. Another great feedback technique is to make a video or audio tape of your presentation and review it critically with a colleague.
Habits
We all have a few habits, and some are more annoying than others. For example, if we say "uh," "you know," or put our hands in our pockets and jingle our keys too often during a presentation, it distracts from the message we are trying to get across.
The best way to break one of these distracting habits is with immediate feedback. This can be done with a small group of coworkers, family, or friends. Take turns giving small off-the-cuff talks about your favorite hobby, work project, first work assignment, etc. It talk should last about five minutes. During a speaker's first talk, the audience should listen and watch for annoying habits.
After the presentation, the audience should agree on the worst two or three habits that take the most away from the presentation. After agreement, each audience member should write these habits on a 8 1/2" x 11" sheet of paper (such as the word "Uh"). Use a magic marker and write in BIG letters.
The next time the person gives her or his talk, each audience member should wave the corresponding sign in the air whenever they hear or see the annoying habit. For most people, this method will break a habit by practicing at least once a day for one to two weeks.
Tips and Techniques For Great Presentations
Binita Pokhrel was a shy young girl who was terrified at the thought of speaking in public. But with each passing year, she grew in confidence and self-esteem. She once said, "No one can make you feel inferior, unless you agree with it."
• If you have handouts, do not read straight from them. The audience does not know if they should read along with you or listen to you read.
• Do not put both hands in your pockets for long periods of time. This tends to make you look unprofessional. It is OK to put one hand in a pocket but ensure there is no loose change or keys to jingle around. This will distract the listeners.
• Do not wave a pointer around in the air like a wild knight branding a sword to slay a dragon. Use the pointer for what it is intended and then put it down, otherwise the audience will become fixated upon your "sword", instead upon you.
• Do not lean on the podium for long periods. The audience will begin to wonder when you are going to fall over.
• Speak to the audience...NOT to the visual aids, such as flip charts or overheads. Also, do not stand between the visual aid and the audience.
• Speak clearly and loudly enough for all to hear. Do not speak in a monotone voice. Use inflection to emphasize your main points.
• The disadvantages of presentations is that people cannot see the punctuation and this can lead to misunderstandings. An effective way of overcoming this problem is to pause at the time when there would normally be punctuation marks.
• Use colored backgrounds on overhead transparencies and slides (such as yellow) as the bright white light can be harsh on the eyes. This will quickly cause your audience to tire. If all of your transparencies or slides have clear backgrounds, then tape one blank yellow one on the overhead face. For slides, use a rubber band to hold a piece of colored cellophane over the projector lens.
• Learn the name of each participant as quickly as possible. Based upon the atmosphere you want to create, call them by their first names or by using Mr., Mrs., Miss, Ms.
• Tell them what name and title you prefer to be called.
• Listen intently to comments and opinions. By using a lateral thinking technique (adding to ideas rather than dismissing them), the audience will feel that their ideas, comments, and opinions are worthwhile.
• Circulate around the room as you speak. This movement creates a physical closeness to the audience.
• List and discuss your objectives at the beginning of the presentation. Let the audience know how your presentation fits in with their goals. Discuss some of the fears and apprehensions that both you and the audience might have. Tell them what they should expect of you and how you will contribute to their goals.
• Vary your techniques (lecture, discussion, debate, films, slides, reading, etc.)
• Get to the presentation before your audience arrives; be the last one to leave.
• Be prepared to use an alternate approach if the one you've chosen seems to bog down. You should be confident enough with your own material so that the audience's interests and concerns, not the presentation outline, determines the format. Use your background, experience, and knowledge to interrelate your subject matter.
• When writing on flip charts use no more than 7 lines of text per page and no more than 7 word per line (the 7 7 rule). Also, use bright and bold colors, and pictures as well as text.
• Consider the time of day and how long you have got for your talk. Time of day can affect the audience. After lunch is known as the graveyard section in training circles as audiences will feel more like a nap than listening to a talk.
• Most people find that if they practice in their head, the actual talk will take about 25 per cent longer. Using a flip chart or other visual aids also adds to the time. Remember - it is better to finish slightly early than to overrun.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Self Confidence
Self-Confidence
Self-confidence: "Confidence in oneself or one's abilities."
Synonyms: "confidence, assurance, self-assurance, self-possession, aplomb"
"Confidence, self-confidence, assurance, self-assurance, self-possession, aplomb are comparable when denoting either a state of mind free from diffidence, misgivings, or embarrassment or the easy, cool, or collected bearing or behavior resulting from this attitude. Confidence stresses faith in oneself and in one's powers; it does not as a rule imply conceit nor preclude the suggestions of support from external agencies or influences or of modest recognition of that assistance ... When self-sufficiency is connoted, self-confidence commonly replaces confidence ... Assurance is distinguishable from confidence only by its far stronger implication of certainty and its frequent suggestion of arrogance; thus, one meets a situation with confidence when one's belief in one's powers is strong, but with assurance when one never questions the outcome or the rightness of what one is saying or doing ... Self-assurance implies an assured self-confidence ... Self-possession implies an ease or coolness arising from command over one's powers; it connotes, usually, controlled but not repressed emotions and actions, or speech free from flurry and appropriate to the situation ... Aplomb describes the behavior or, less often, the bearing of one whose assurance or self-possession is conspicuously but not necessarily disagreeably evident ... "
Analogous: "composure, equanimity, sureness, sanguineness"
10 Tips to Improve Your Self Esteem
Striving to improve our self esteem is on everybody’s mind. It doesn’t matter if you actively pursue this goal or you are sub-consciously working on improving your self esteem. The problem with this is that you really don’t know exactly what you want to improve. You’re acting intuitively on external signals.
Do you know how to improve your self esteem? Probably not. To make it a little bit easier for you and to achieve your goals quicker I put together 10 tips that you can utilize right away.
1. Build up your self-esteem. You must take an inventory. What do you want to improve or change about the way you interact with others? Try to make only one change at a time. Always check your progress before making another change.
2. Celebrate your journey, not your destination. Learn to always feel good about where you are now, and to exude self-confidence about anywhere you might find yourself tomorrow.
3. Set clear goals for yourself before every interaction. Know what you want. Think about how the people you will be meeting can help you reach those goals. Then decide how to approach each person accordingly. Apply this regularly and you will notice a difference.
4. Be proactive. Take the initiative. Be decisive. Let the other person know exactly how he or she can help you. Proactive people tent to be more successful in their career.
5. Treat each person you meet as if she or he is truly important. (You'll be amazed how this works.)
6. Give a firm handshake; look the other person straight in the eye. Practice both of these. Your handshake should be just right. Not too firm and not too loose. Train yourself to notice something you like or find attractive in the person.
7. Listen! Listen! Listen! Teach yourself to develop good listening skills. Learn a way to remember the other person's name. If in doubt simply ask for the name again 2 or 3 sentences into the conversation.
8. Visibly respond to the other person. Smile, nod agreement, and address him or her by name. Apply all your listening skills to visibly respond. The body language is the most important part of a conversation. Practice, practice, practice…
9. Pay more attention to the other person than to yourself. Are you responding to what may be going on in his or her life? Don't filter out bad news. Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Be caring.
10. Stay "in the moment." Don't mentally cut off the other person. Don't reload while he or she is speaking. What this means is that you need to focus on the other person 100% during a conversation. Anything less is considered rude.
Next time you meet somebody new look out for these behaviors. Put a mental checkmark on the each of the 10 tips and see how well this person scored. Chances are that the person scored very high if you tent to like her/him. On the contraire the person probably scored low if you don’t seem to connect.
The more you practice the more likely you will create a positive aura which is commonly known as charisma. To step up to become a charismatic personality it takes more than just these 10 tips.
Creating a positive aura will benefit you in every thing you do. You will create a warmer ambience with your family. You will be more successful in your career. Even while trying to meet a partner of the opposite sex you will notice a difference on how people perceive you.
How to Build Rock Solid Self Confidence
You have probably noticed those people at work, school, and in your daily life that always appear to be self-confident and on top of world.
Everything seems to go right for these people and they always seem to present themselves as calm, collected and successful in everything they do.
If you are paying attention you have probably noticed that these self-confident people usually are successful in every area of their lives.
Is this because they are smarter? Or is it because they have more money? Maybe they are just lucky?
The reality is that none of these things are necessarily true. Self-confident people understand the impact of believing in themselves and relying on their abilities.
This confidence ultimately creates opportunities for success and with each new success another self-confidence building block is put into place. Success builds upon success reinforcing self-confidence with each new achievement.
Self confident people perceive themselves as able to achieve those things they set out to do and this perception creates reality in their lives.
Yes, perception creates reality. You can become the person you want to be. You have heard it said that if you can believe it you can achieve it.
So start believing in yourself, acting on that belief and you will start building self confidence in your life.
Here are some helpful tips to build self confidence one success at a time.
1. Make a list of your strong points.
All the positive things about yourself and the things that you are good at doing. Think of compliments you have received or things that come easily to you. It doesn't matter what it is, if it's good, write it down.
2. Choose two of those things that you want to work on to improve even more.
It's important to succeed and by concentrating on the areas you are already good at you will have a better chance of becoming even more sure of yourself. Remember that success builds upon success.
3. Exude confidence even if you don't feel like it.
Talk to yourself in an encouraging way and stay away from negative thoughts and people as you can.
Instead surround yourself with positive, confident, and successful people. This will become a habit and one that will build confidence.
4. Look at yourself in a different way than you are used to doing.
It can change your life and help your confidence level to rise. See yourself as the self confident person you want to be and before you know it you will become that person.
If you have a set-back do not let it get the best of you. Remember the times when you exhibited self confidence and how good it felt and then try again and each time will help you to build confidence and confidence building will become a way of life.
Self-confidence: "Confidence in oneself or one's abilities."
Synonyms: "confidence, assurance, self-assurance, self-possession, aplomb"
"Confidence, self-confidence, assurance, self-assurance, self-possession, aplomb are comparable when denoting either a state of mind free from diffidence, misgivings, or embarrassment or the easy, cool, or collected bearing or behavior resulting from this attitude. Confidence stresses faith in oneself and in one's powers; it does not as a rule imply conceit nor preclude the suggestions of support from external agencies or influences or of modest recognition of that assistance ... When self-sufficiency is connoted, self-confidence commonly replaces confidence ... Assurance is distinguishable from confidence only by its far stronger implication of certainty and its frequent suggestion of arrogance; thus, one meets a situation with confidence when one's belief in one's powers is strong, but with assurance when one never questions the outcome or the rightness of what one is saying or doing ... Self-assurance implies an assured self-confidence ... Self-possession implies an ease or coolness arising from command over one's powers; it connotes, usually, controlled but not repressed emotions and actions, or speech free from flurry and appropriate to the situation ... Aplomb describes the behavior or, less often, the bearing of one whose assurance or self-possession is conspicuously but not necessarily disagreeably evident ... "
Analogous: "composure, equanimity, sureness, sanguineness"
10 Tips to Improve Your Self Esteem
Striving to improve our self esteem is on everybody’s mind. It doesn’t matter if you actively pursue this goal or you are sub-consciously working on improving your self esteem. The problem with this is that you really don’t know exactly what you want to improve. You’re acting intuitively on external signals.
Do you know how to improve your self esteem? Probably not. To make it a little bit easier for you and to achieve your goals quicker I put together 10 tips that you can utilize right away.
1. Build up your self-esteem. You must take an inventory. What do you want to improve or change about the way you interact with others? Try to make only one change at a time. Always check your progress before making another change.
2. Celebrate your journey, not your destination. Learn to always feel good about where you are now, and to exude self-confidence about anywhere you might find yourself tomorrow.
3. Set clear goals for yourself before every interaction. Know what you want. Think about how the people you will be meeting can help you reach those goals. Then decide how to approach each person accordingly. Apply this regularly and you will notice a difference.
4. Be proactive. Take the initiative. Be decisive. Let the other person know exactly how he or she can help you. Proactive people tent to be more successful in their career.
5. Treat each person you meet as if she or he is truly important. (You'll be amazed how this works.)
6. Give a firm handshake; look the other person straight in the eye. Practice both of these. Your handshake should be just right. Not too firm and not too loose. Train yourself to notice something you like or find attractive in the person.
7. Listen! Listen! Listen! Teach yourself to develop good listening skills. Learn a way to remember the other person's name. If in doubt simply ask for the name again 2 or 3 sentences into the conversation.
8. Visibly respond to the other person. Smile, nod agreement, and address him or her by name. Apply all your listening skills to visibly respond. The body language is the most important part of a conversation. Practice, practice, practice…
9. Pay more attention to the other person than to yourself. Are you responding to what may be going on in his or her life? Don't filter out bad news. Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Be caring.
10. Stay "in the moment." Don't mentally cut off the other person. Don't reload while he or she is speaking. What this means is that you need to focus on the other person 100% during a conversation. Anything less is considered rude.
Next time you meet somebody new look out for these behaviors. Put a mental checkmark on the each of the 10 tips and see how well this person scored. Chances are that the person scored very high if you tent to like her/him. On the contraire the person probably scored low if you don’t seem to connect.
The more you practice the more likely you will create a positive aura which is commonly known as charisma. To step up to become a charismatic personality it takes more than just these 10 tips.
Creating a positive aura will benefit you in every thing you do. You will create a warmer ambience with your family. You will be more successful in your career. Even while trying to meet a partner of the opposite sex you will notice a difference on how people perceive you.
How to Build Rock Solid Self Confidence
You have probably noticed those people at work, school, and in your daily life that always appear to be self-confident and on top of world.
Everything seems to go right for these people and they always seem to present themselves as calm, collected and successful in everything they do.
If you are paying attention you have probably noticed that these self-confident people usually are successful in every area of their lives.
Is this because they are smarter? Or is it because they have more money? Maybe they are just lucky?
The reality is that none of these things are necessarily true. Self-confident people understand the impact of believing in themselves and relying on their abilities.
This confidence ultimately creates opportunities for success and with each new success another self-confidence building block is put into place. Success builds upon success reinforcing self-confidence with each new achievement.
Self confident people perceive themselves as able to achieve those things they set out to do and this perception creates reality in their lives.
Yes, perception creates reality. You can become the person you want to be. You have heard it said that if you can believe it you can achieve it.
So start believing in yourself, acting on that belief and you will start building self confidence in your life.
Here are some helpful tips to build self confidence one success at a time.
1. Make a list of your strong points.
All the positive things about yourself and the things that you are good at doing. Think of compliments you have received or things that come easily to you. It doesn't matter what it is, if it's good, write it down.
2. Choose two of those things that you want to work on to improve even more.
It's important to succeed and by concentrating on the areas you are already good at you will have a better chance of becoming even more sure of yourself. Remember that success builds upon success.
3. Exude confidence even if you don't feel like it.
Talk to yourself in an encouraging way and stay away from negative thoughts and people as you can.
Instead surround yourself with positive, confident, and successful people. This will become a habit and one that will build confidence.
4. Look at yourself in a different way than you are used to doing.
It can change your life and help your confidence level to rise. See yourself as the self confident person you want to be and before you know it you will become that person.
If you have a set-back do not let it get the best of you. Remember the times when you exhibited self confidence and how good it felt and then try again and each time will help you to build confidence and confidence building will become a way of life.
Change your LIfe
5 Ways To Stay Focused On Your Goals
No matter how excited you are about your business, with so many distractions and things that may be going on in your life, you can easily find yourself losing focus on your goals and what you want to accomplish. Below you will find 5 things that will help you stay focused on your goals.
FINISH WHAT YOU STARTED
You probably have heard the saying, "So many things to do and not enough time to do them." Even though that may be true, you still have to complete them all, especially if these things help you to reach your goals. To make it easier for you, just take 1 thing you have to do and complete that task until it is done. When it is done, you will feel a sense of accomplishment and it will motivate you to move on to your next task.
ORGANIZE TO MAKE THINGS EASY AND SIMPLE
Take a moment to put things in order. If people write to you or send you orders in the mail, make 3 piles. Put the letters that need to be answered right away in the 1st pile. Letters that can be answered at a later date you can put in the 2nd pile and letters that have orders in them, you can put in the 3rd pile. Doing things like this in other areas of your life will help you keep things in priority and keep you focused on your goals.
CHANGE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT THINGS
If you find yourself at times having a negative attitude, you must realize that the way you look at things can make all the difference when it comes to reaching your goals. Even when obstacles stand in your way, maintaining a positive attitude, not a negative one and knowing that things can and will get better, will help you stay on track in reaching your goals.
UNDERSTAND GOALS WILL TAKE TIME TO REACH
Everything in life, if it is worth it, will take time. This goes for the goals you set for yourself. When you set goals, you should set 2 types of goals. A short term goal such as 6 months and also a long range goal, such as 3 years. You must realize that you are not going to reach your long term goals in 2 weeks. Whatever your goals may be, only through hard work, determination and keeping yourself focused, this is the way you will eventually reach your goals.
STUDY AND READ ARTICLES ON MOTIVATION
Reading articles, books or even listening to cassette tapes on motivation is a must if you want to keep yourself focused on your goals. Many successful people will tell you that even when they wanted to give up and throw in the towel, a paragraph in a book or something a motivational speaker said put them back on the right track and helped them reach their goals.
So if you want to stay focused on your goals, take these 5 points and put them into action
Can You Hear Yourself Lead?
Do you find days turning into weeks, which turn into years and suddenly you're not sure where it's all gone? Does it seem like your no longer navigating your own life but your life and your schedule are navigating you instead? Can you hear yourself lead? If this describes you, stop. Just stop. Stand still, be still, and let yourself remember what the silence feels like.
So often in the world we call business, we go so fast we lose our ability to keep up when, in fact, keeping up is impossible. Simply put, if you're caught up, you're out of business. Business is the competitive pull and push that can kick our navigational system clean out of whack. To get back in control, you have to stop and listen.
We are taught to listen to everyone else. That listening is the greater asset. However, we are never taught to listen to ourselves. Creativity dies in the face of too much noise. Without creativity everything in your life suffers, including your business. Sometimes the most important person to listen to is ..you. Yes, you have something to say but if you never stop to listen you won't ever get back to navigating again.
So here's what you can do to put yourself back in the driver's seat :
1. Start the day by emptying your emotions into a journal. Let all the emotional garbage out on paper. Now, don't read it. Ever. Too hard to do? Rip it up and throw it away. This is just a tool to get the frustrations processed and out of your life so you can move on. So you can hear yourself think again. Sometimes our lives get filled up with everyone else's chatter. This helps us empty that out.
2. Take 15 minutes out of the middle of your day and rest. Just stop everything. Go to a room; take off the phone, the fax, the instant messenger and the ringer on your email. Find a place where you won't be bothered and stop. Take ten deep breaths. Let your mind empty. Try to spend at least five minutes of the fifteen thinking of nothing. Don't laugh, it's really hard to do. Think of nothing. Empty your brain and give your soul a rest
3. Walk. Walking doesn't just exercise your body, it relaxes your soul. Walk with a friend, or walk alone, but walk. This isn't about exercise, it's about letting your mind breath, outside, in the rain, in the sun, in the snow..in the fresh air. It works!
4. Okay, this is the most important. At the end of the day, spend another 15 minutes writing down all the advice that was given to you today. All those noteworthy, seemingly wise bits of advice that get hurled at us everyday. It doesn't matter where they came from, a book, a phone call, a radio station.. doesn't matter. If you can remember it write it down. Now read them all. Do any of them feel adverse to your own feelings and thoughts? Great, cross them out and forget them. Learn to trust that some things will work for you and some things won't. Once you have learned this principle you will find yourself getting back into the drivers seat of your own life again.
Remember you're important too and you are the only one that lives the results and consequences of your own life. Be gentle with yourself and take the time to take the time. Suddenly hours will screech back to normal speed, life will feel worth the effort, and your goals will be realized again
CONFIDENCE
Every day is a new day in our life. There is much to do today. The early morning sun inspires us to start things freshly and put back our past. Only a handful of us make use of this fresh bunch of energy. In various walks of life this affects the way we behave and our confidence level. Confidence is a key to survive in this world. It is the only key tool to win the rat race in every walk of life. Confidence in ones own capabilities combined with sincere efforts helps one to achieve unthinkable heights. But many times we see that this basic element of confidence is missing in us. As a result of lack of confidence we perform well below our caliber. Be it in a public speech, proposing your beloved, vivas in your college or in an interview or say even on the eve before your exams. This can be due to fear of being rejected or any other reason.
If we look into our hearts and think, we will come to know that fear inside us is going to get us nowhere. The confidence inside us is going to take us places. This is because with confidence we can put our thoughts into words in a better and pleasing way. So we have to get out of that shell where we think whether people will accept us as we are? Instead of living in these unending moments of fear and thoughtless analysis it is better if we project ourselves with the skills we have with the gloss of confidence. With confidence we can portray the finer points of our personality in such a way that the places where we do lack are never highlighted
Confidence should glow in us only till the point where our personality is boosted. Above this it leads to over-confidence that is harmful.
Over confidence results in unsatisfied performance levels as the seed of ego grows into a plant into our mind. We then imagine and make big talks just to maintain our ego. So guys don't let the seed of ego to germinate in your mind, as this seed should be used only for you to live up to your expectations.
Confidence is all about being cool, calm and composed.
So guys do u have it in you? If u think u don't, boost up yourselves as your mind is your greatest mentor .You are your greatest helper
Different Strokes Of Our Duties
Life teaches us to live. To live, you have to exist. To exist, you should have a passport to this living world. Thanks your parents, who brought you into this world.
Parents have taken care of us and satisfied all our needs. They helped whenever we were hungry, afraid or ill. They were always there by you, whenever you needed them. You almost assumed that they will always be there for you and never thought of how your life would be without them. But as you grow up, age also catches up with your parents and they need your help and support.
Man is a child first, after which he attains his youth. After youth he again goes through the second phase of childhood, also called as old age. This is the phase where everyone needs a comfort of a sense of belonging and being taken care of. Wouldn't we all expect the same sense of security when we grow old? Even our parents are expecting us to be their caretaker, as they grow old. But they never make that obvious to us. They do their further duty by taking care of their grandchildren, paying e-bills, giving the clothes for laundry etc.
Isn't it unfair on our part that we aren't giving them what they need the most? It is our prime duty to take the very best care of them. It's our pay back time. Lets give the same sense of emotional security, care and love to our parents in their old age.
Some of us mistreat our parents and consider them more of a liability than an asset. Some of us move away from them, though our conscience pricks us. We err in our duties for not being dutiful. This guilty feeling is further wrapped into a sense of regret, when we will be treated in the same way by our future generation. After all you only get what you deserve. Don't you?
Let's keep in mind that to be a manager, husband or father, we first have to be a son.
MOTIVATE YOURSELF
One of the greatest virtues of human beings is their ability to think and act accordingly. The emergence of the techno savvy man from the tree swinging ape has really been a long journey. This transition has taken a span of countless centuries and lots of thinking caps have been involved. Inquisitiveness and aspiration to come out with the best have been the pillars for man's quest for development. Self-motivation is the sheer force, which pulled him apart and distinguished him from his primitive ancestors.
Many times, in our life, when we are reviving old memories we get into a phase of nostalgia. We feel that we could have done better than what we had achieved. Be it thinking about that nerve shattering school result, because of which you couldn't get into your favorite stream or that single mark, which could have secured you a merit seat in your engineering college. But thinking back wont rewind the tireless worker called time. All we can do is promise ourselves that we will give our very best in the future. But do we really keep up to our mental commitments? I can guess that 90% answers are in the negative. This is because of that creepy careless attitude which is slowly, but surely entering into the mind of teenagers like us. We easily forget the pains of yesterday to relish the joys of today. This is the only time in our life, when we can control our fate, by controlling our mind. So it is time to pull up our socks and really motivate ourselves so that we can give our best shot in the future. Self-motivation is the need of the hour. Only we can control and restrict ourselves. Its upto us, how we use our mental capabilities to the best of our abilities
Here are some Funda's for self-motivation. Don't just read them digest each one of them and apply them and I bet it will make a better YOU.
• The ultimate motivator is defeat. Once you are defeated, you have nowhere to go except the top.
• Then only thing stopping you is yourself.
• There is no guarantee that tomorrow will come. So do it today.
• Intentions don't count, but action's do.
• Don't let who you are, stunt what you want to be.
• Success is the greatest motivator.
• Your goals must be clear, but the guidelines must be flexible
Try to include these one liners in your scrapbook or on your favorite poster. You will be sub-consciously tuned to achieve what you want. Also do keep in mind that nothing can control your destiny but you!
The Power Of Expressions
Expressions are a way of giving some life to the thoughts and feelings inside us. When you cry, u express sadness and disappointment. When you catch a good joke, you laugh a lot and express the pleasure.
Expressions are a part and parcel of every human being on this earth. Every person has the right to express himself. It is only through expressions that one can achieve a harmony between the physical exterior and the mental core. It is a way of giving life to your thoughts and feelings. But not everyone expresses freely. The main reasons are the barriers we have created within ourselves. We always think of what the world would think of us. Because of this we restrain ourselves from laughingly completely, tilting our head, or even scratching our ears! We try to be not what we are, but what we think will appeal to the world. Hardly do we realize that the world is just like us. It will be busy thinking of what we will think of it, rather than analyzing our actions.
When one expresses one self freely, it's the ultimate satisfaction for the mind. This is because the physical hardware of the human body is faithfully supporting its mental software. The person then is always comfortable anywhere with anyone and at anytime! If one doesn't express properly, it wont make the sun rise in the west, but it will only lead to increased frustrations. When frustrations increase, efficiency decreases and a person starts blaming the world, god or anyone in general.
Well to practically speak of expressions, once you start using them in your normal day to day life, u will get used to them. Also people around you will get used to your expressions. When the doyen of Indian film industry Mr. Amitabh Bachchan came into the movies, he had one eye smaller than the other. He however carried on without being self conscious about it and captured the heart of countless Indians dead and alive. Also Sylvester Stallone, who is the famous Mr. Big Muscles from Hollywood was actually having some mental problems in his childhood. Even now look at his eyes and you will get a rare glimpse. But then he came above all that and now you can all see how big he has become.
If you are angry at some one, let him know. If you admire someone, let that person know. If you love someone, let her know, because life is too short to keep these things as secret. Express yourself and spice up your life.
Watch Out Before You Speak
Communication in any form is used for exchange of information. The links called words make communication work. Without words its difficult to imagine how we could have come so long in the history of human evolution. Word is not only a 4-letter thing, but it is something deeper than that.
Whenever a word is uttered it is due to synchronization of lip movement and tongue movement. To get out that word from our mouth, a lot of thinking and analysis has been happening in our sub conscious mind. We don't realize it because all this happens in less than one millionth of a second. Most of the times we don't think over what we have uttered. Word is not only a link, but it initiates response from the listener.
The word, which we have uttered, acts on every part of the listener's body. Like if u share a joke using a group of words, u make the listener to laugh. He may pound his hands and fist and then calm down. The very word which u have uttered has allowed him to flush his emotions out in the form of laughter or smile. If you talk about a tragic incident, the listener may close his eyes for a second and offer his condolences. Words uttered vibrate on the mind of the listener. It acts on his mind. Selection and thought prior to communication is very important.
Sometimes we say things which we shouldn't have or we carelessly utter unwanted words (mind you I am not talking of abuses). These things may affect the other person emotionally and mentally. For us it would have been just a matter of second to wag our tongue, but for the listener it is going to be the only thing at the back of his mind. By using unwanted words or speaking more than necessary, we not only hurt someone, but we also add a spot of dust to our social image. Your future interaction with the person may be based on that single word. Using proper words while talking is just like selecting the items listed out by your mom from the supermarket. You select the best brand from the specific domain, where your item is found.
So guys watch before you speak because the actions of the listener may be louder than your words!
No matter how excited you are about your business, with so many distractions and things that may be going on in your life, you can easily find yourself losing focus on your goals and what you want to accomplish. Below you will find 5 things that will help you stay focused on your goals.
FINISH WHAT YOU STARTED
You probably have heard the saying, "So many things to do and not enough time to do them." Even though that may be true, you still have to complete them all, especially if these things help you to reach your goals. To make it easier for you, just take 1 thing you have to do and complete that task until it is done. When it is done, you will feel a sense of accomplishment and it will motivate you to move on to your next task.
ORGANIZE TO MAKE THINGS EASY AND SIMPLE
Take a moment to put things in order. If people write to you or send you orders in the mail, make 3 piles. Put the letters that need to be answered right away in the 1st pile. Letters that can be answered at a later date you can put in the 2nd pile and letters that have orders in them, you can put in the 3rd pile. Doing things like this in other areas of your life will help you keep things in priority and keep you focused on your goals.
CHANGE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT THINGS
If you find yourself at times having a negative attitude, you must realize that the way you look at things can make all the difference when it comes to reaching your goals. Even when obstacles stand in your way, maintaining a positive attitude, not a negative one and knowing that things can and will get better, will help you stay on track in reaching your goals.
UNDERSTAND GOALS WILL TAKE TIME TO REACH
Everything in life, if it is worth it, will take time. This goes for the goals you set for yourself. When you set goals, you should set 2 types of goals. A short term goal such as 6 months and also a long range goal, such as 3 years. You must realize that you are not going to reach your long term goals in 2 weeks. Whatever your goals may be, only through hard work, determination and keeping yourself focused, this is the way you will eventually reach your goals.
STUDY AND READ ARTICLES ON MOTIVATION
Reading articles, books or even listening to cassette tapes on motivation is a must if you want to keep yourself focused on your goals. Many successful people will tell you that even when they wanted to give up and throw in the towel, a paragraph in a book or something a motivational speaker said put them back on the right track and helped them reach their goals.
So if you want to stay focused on your goals, take these 5 points and put them into action
Can You Hear Yourself Lead?
Do you find days turning into weeks, which turn into years and suddenly you're not sure where it's all gone? Does it seem like your no longer navigating your own life but your life and your schedule are navigating you instead? Can you hear yourself lead? If this describes you, stop. Just stop. Stand still, be still, and let yourself remember what the silence feels like.
So often in the world we call business, we go so fast we lose our ability to keep up when, in fact, keeping up is impossible. Simply put, if you're caught up, you're out of business. Business is the competitive pull and push that can kick our navigational system clean out of whack. To get back in control, you have to stop and listen.
We are taught to listen to everyone else. That listening is the greater asset. However, we are never taught to listen to ourselves. Creativity dies in the face of too much noise. Without creativity everything in your life suffers, including your business. Sometimes the most important person to listen to is ..you. Yes, you have something to say but if you never stop to listen you won't ever get back to navigating again.
So here's what you can do to put yourself back in the driver's seat :
1. Start the day by emptying your emotions into a journal. Let all the emotional garbage out on paper. Now, don't read it. Ever. Too hard to do? Rip it up and throw it away. This is just a tool to get the frustrations processed and out of your life so you can move on. So you can hear yourself think again. Sometimes our lives get filled up with everyone else's chatter. This helps us empty that out.
2. Take 15 minutes out of the middle of your day and rest. Just stop everything. Go to a room; take off the phone, the fax, the instant messenger and the ringer on your email. Find a place where you won't be bothered and stop. Take ten deep breaths. Let your mind empty. Try to spend at least five minutes of the fifteen thinking of nothing. Don't laugh, it's really hard to do. Think of nothing. Empty your brain and give your soul a rest
3. Walk. Walking doesn't just exercise your body, it relaxes your soul. Walk with a friend, or walk alone, but walk. This isn't about exercise, it's about letting your mind breath, outside, in the rain, in the sun, in the snow..in the fresh air. It works!
4. Okay, this is the most important. At the end of the day, spend another 15 minutes writing down all the advice that was given to you today. All those noteworthy, seemingly wise bits of advice that get hurled at us everyday. It doesn't matter where they came from, a book, a phone call, a radio station.. doesn't matter. If you can remember it write it down. Now read them all. Do any of them feel adverse to your own feelings and thoughts? Great, cross them out and forget them. Learn to trust that some things will work for you and some things won't. Once you have learned this principle you will find yourself getting back into the drivers seat of your own life again.
Remember you're important too and you are the only one that lives the results and consequences of your own life. Be gentle with yourself and take the time to take the time. Suddenly hours will screech back to normal speed, life will feel worth the effort, and your goals will be realized again
CONFIDENCE
Every day is a new day in our life. There is much to do today. The early morning sun inspires us to start things freshly and put back our past. Only a handful of us make use of this fresh bunch of energy. In various walks of life this affects the way we behave and our confidence level. Confidence is a key to survive in this world. It is the only key tool to win the rat race in every walk of life. Confidence in ones own capabilities combined with sincere efforts helps one to achieve unthinkable heights. But many times we see that this basic element of confidence is missing in us. As a result of lack of confidence we perform well below our caliber. Be it in a public speech, proposing your beloved, vivas in your college or in an interview or say even on the eve before your exams. This can be due to fear of being rejected or any other reason.
If we look into our hearts and think, we will come to know that fear inside us is going to get us nowhere. The confidence inside us is going to take us places. This is because with confidence we can put our thoughts into words in a better and pleasing way. So we have to get out of that shell where we think whether people will accept us as we are? Instead of living in these unending moments of fear and thoughtless analysis it is better if we project ourselves with the skills we have with the gloss of confidence. With confidence we can portray the finer points of our personality in such a way that the places where we do lack are never highlighted
Confidence should glow in us only till the point where our personality is boosted. Above this it leads to over-confidence that is harmful.
Over confidence results in unsatisfied performance levels as the seed of ego grows into a plant into our mind. We then imagine and make big talks just to maintain our ego. So guys don't let the seed of ego to germinate in your mind, as this seed should be used only for you to live up to your expectations.
Confidence is all about being cool, calm and composed.
So guys do u have it in you? If u think u don't, boost up yourselves as your mind is your greatest mentor .You are your greatest helper
Different Strokes Of Our Duties
Life teaches us to live. To live, you have to exist. To exist, you should have a passport to this living world. Thanks your parents, who brought you into this world.
Parents have taken care of us and satisfied all our needs. They helped whenever we were hungry, afraid or ill. They were always there by you, whenever you needed them. You almost assumed that they will always be there for you and never thought of how your life would be without them. But as you grow up, age also catches up with your parents and they need your help and support.
Man is a child first, after which he attains his youth. After youth he again goes through the second phase of childhood, also called as old age. This is the phase where everyone needs a comfort of a sense of belonging and being taken care of. Wouldn't we all expect the same sense of security when we grow old? Even our parents are expecting us to be their caretaker, as they grow old. But they never make that obvious to us. They do their further duty by taking care of their grandchildren, paying e-bills, giving the clothes for laundry etc.
Isn't it unfair on our part that we aren't giving them what they need the most? It is our prime duty to take the very best care of them. It's our pay back time. Lets give the same sense of emotional security, care and love to our parents in their old age.
Some of us mistreat our parents and consider them more of a liability than an asset. Some of us move away from them, though our conscience pricks us. We err in our duties for not being dutiful. This guilty feeling is further wrapped into a sense of regret, when we will be treated in the same way by our future generation. After all you only get what you deserve. Don't you?
Let's keep in mind that to be a manager, husband or father, we first have to be a son.
MOTIVATE YOURSELF
One of the greatest virtues of human beings is their ability to think and act accordingly. The emergence of the techno savvy man from the tree swinging ape has really been a long journey. This transition has taken a span of countless centuries and lots of thinking caps have been involved. Inquisitiveness and aspiration to come out with the best have been the pillars for man's quest for development. Self-motivation is the sheer force, which pulled him apart and distinguished him from his primitive ancestors.
Many times, in our life, when we are reviving old memories we get into a phase of nostalgia. We feel that we could have done better than what we had achieved. Be it thinking about that nerve shattering school result, because of which you couldn't get into your favorite stream or that single mark, which could have secured you a merit seat in your engineering college. But thinking back wont rewind the tireless worker called time. All we can do is promise ourselves that we will give our very best in the future. But do we really keep up to our mental commitments? I can guess that 90% answers are in the negative. This is because of that creepy careless attitude which is slowly, but surely entering into the mind of teenagers like us. We easily forget the pains of yesterday to relish the joys of today. This is the only time in our life, when we can control our fate, by controlling our mind. So it is time to pull up our socks and really motivate ourselves so that we can give our best shot in the future. Self-motivation is the need of the hour. Only we can control and restrict ourselves. Its upto us, how we use our mental capabilities to the best of our abilities
Here are some Funda's for self-motivation. Don't just read them digest each one of them and apply them and I bet it will make a better YOU.
• The ultimate motivator is defeat. Once you are defeated, you have nowhere to go except the top.
• Then only thing stopping you is yourself.
• There is no guarantee that tomorrow will come. So do it today.
• Intentions don't count, but action's do.
• Don't let who you are, stunt what you want to be.
• Success is the greatest motivator.
• Your goals must be clear, but the guidelines must be flexible
Try to include these one liners in your scrapbook or on your favorite poster. You will be sub-consciously tuned to achieve what you want. Also do keep in mind that nothing can control your destiny but you!
The Power Of Expressions
Expressions are a way of giving some life to the thoughts and feelings inside us. When you cry, u express sadness and disappointment. When you catch a good joke, you laugh a lot and express the pleasure.
Expressions are a part and parcel of every human being on this earth. Every person has the right to express himself. It is only through expressions that one can achieve a harmony between the physical exterior and the mental core. It is a way of giving life to your thoughts and feelings. But not everyone expresses freely. The main reasons are the barriers we have created within ourselves. We always think of what the world would think of us. Because of this we restrain ourselves from laughingly completely, tilting our head, or even scratching our ears! We try to be not what we are, but what we think will appeal to the world. Hardly do we realize that the world is just like us. It will be busy thinking of what we will think of it, rather than analyzing our actions.
When one expresses one self freely, it's the ultimate satisfaction for the mind. This is because the physical hardware of the human body is faithfully supporting its mental software. The person then is always comfortable anywhere with anyone and at anytime! If one doesn't express properly, it wont make the sun rise in the west, but it will only lead to increased frustrations. When frustrations increase, efficiency decreases and a person starts blaming the world, god or anyone in general.
Well to practically speak of expressions, once you start using them in your normal day to day life, u will get used to them. Also people around you will get used to your expressions. When the doyen of Indian film industry Mr. Amitabh Bachchan came into the movies, he had one eye smaller than the other. He however carried on without being self conscious about it and captured the heart of countless Indians dead and alive. Also Sylvester Stallone, who is the famous Mr. Big Muscles from Hollywood was actually having some mental problems in his childhood. Even now look at his eyes and you will get a rare glimpse. But then he came above all that and now you can all see how big he has become.
If you are angry at some one, let him know. If you admire someone, let that person know. If you love someone, let her know, because life is too short to keep these things as secret. Express yourself and spice up your life.
Watch Out Before You Speak
Communication in any form is used for exchange of information. The links called words make communication work. Without words its difficult to imagine how we could have come so long in the history of human evolution. Word is not only a 4-letter thing, but it is something deeper than that.
Whenever a word is uttered it is due to synchronization of lip movement and tongue movement. To get out that word from our mouth, a lot of thinking and analysis has been happening in our sub conscious mind. We don't realize it because all this happens in less than one millionth of a second. Most of the times we don't think over what we have uttered. Word is not only a link, but it initiates response from the listener.
The word, which we have uttered, acts on every part of the listener's body. Like if u share a joke using a group of words, u make the listener to laugh. He may pound his hands and fist and then calm down. The very word which u have uttered has allowed him to flush his emotions out in the form of laughter or smile. If you talk about a tragic incident, the listener may close his eyes for a second and offer his condolences. Words uttered vibrate on the mind of the listener. It acts on his mind. Selection and thought prior to communication is very important.
Sometimes we say things which we shouldn't have or we carelessly utter unwanted words (mind you I am not talking of abuses). These things may affect the other person emotionally and mentally. For us it would have been just a matter of second to wag our tongue, but for the listener it is going to be the only thing at the back of his mind. By using unwanted words or speaking more than necessary, we not only hurt someone, but we also add a spot of dust to our social image. Your future interaction with the person may be based on that single word. Using proper words while talking is just like selecting the items listed out by your mom from the supermarket. You select the best brand from the specific domain, where your item is found.
So guys watch before you speak because the actions of the listener may be louder than your words!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
MMS-MONEY, MARRIAGE & SEX
MONEY,MARRIAGE & SEX (MMS)Marriage will be arranged according to temporary affection and to be a successful business man, one will have to cheat .Marriage will be based on arbitrary agreement and simply taking a bath will be considered proper cleansing and decoration of the body. The marriage took place simply on the basic of superficial liking, not deep understanding.
The basic principle of material attraction is sex. A man hankers after a woman and woman hankers after a man. And when they actually engage in sex, they become very much attracted to each other .so when a man and woman engage in sex, the hard knot in heart is tied “I cannot leave you, ” he /she says “you are my life and soul”
For a few days. Then Divorce
But the beginning is sex. The basic principle of material attraction is sex. we have sex life in many social conventions. Marriage is a social convention that gives a nice finishing touch, that’s all. Sometimes it is said that marriage is legalized prostitution. But for keeping up social one has to accept some regulative principles, some restrictions on sense gratification. Therefore civilized human beings recognize that there is difference between sex in marriage and sex outside marriage, which is just like sex between animals.
In any case, when two people unite some way or other, their next demand is a nice apartment and some land. Then children .When you have apartment and wife, the next requirement is to have children, because without children no home life is pleasant. ‘Home life without children is just like a desert.’ children are the real pleasure of home life. Finally there is the circle of relatives, or society. And all these paraphernalia have to maintain with money. So money is required.
A man’s qualities and social position will be calculated according o the extent of his wealth.
MUSIC
An art form of making pleasant combination of sounds, especially using specially designed instrument.
MAKING FRIENDS WITH THE MIND.
For one who has conquered the mind, the mind is the best of friends, but for one who has failed to do so; the mind will be the greatest enemy.
The purpose of practicing eight fold yoga is to control the mind in order to make it a friend in discharging the human mission. Unless the mind is controlled, the practice of yoga is simply a waste of time, it is simply for show. One who cannot control his mind lives always with the greatest enemy, and thus life and its mission are spoiled.
For one who has conquered the mind, the super soul is already reached, for he/she has attained tranquility. To such a man happiness and distress heat and cold, honor and dishonor are all the same.
BUSINESS;
Based on peoples qualities and types of work (Social System)
Intellectuals & Teachers (Brahmans)- Head
Military men & State Leaders (Ksatriyas)-Arm
Farmer & Merchant (Vaisya)-Belly
Laborers( Sûdras)-Leg
The head department is the most important department because without the head and other departments-arm, the belly and the leg cannot function. If the arm department is lacking business can still go on. If the leg department is lacking business can go on. But if the head department is not there other parts are useless.
The basic principle of material attraction is sex. A man hankers after a woman and woman hankers after a man. And when they actually engage in sex, they become very much attracted to each other .so when a man and woman engage in sex, the hard knot in heart is tied “I cannot leave you, ” he /she says “you are my life and soul”
For a few days. Then Divorce
But the beginning is sex. The basic principle of material attraction is sex. we have sex life in many social conventions. Marriage is a social convention that gives a nice finishing touch, that’s all. Sometimes it is said that marriage is legalized prostitution. But for keeping up social one has to accept some regulative principles, some restrictions on sense gratification. Therefore civilized human beings recognize that there is difference between sex in marriage and sex outside marriage, which is just like sex between animals.
In any case, when two people unite some way or other, their next demand is a nice apartment and some land. Then children .When you have apartment and wife, the next requirement is to have children, because without children no home life is pleasant. ‘Home life without children is just like a desert.’ children are the real pleasure of home life. Finally there is the circle of relatives, or society. And all these paraphernalia have to maintain with money. So money is required.
A man’s qualities and social position will be calculated according o the extent of his wealth.
MUSIC
An art form of making pleasant combination of sounds, especially using specially designed instrument.
MAKING FRIENDS WITH THE MIND.
For one who has conquered the mind, the mind is the best of friends, but for one who has failed to do so; the mind will be the greatest enemy.
The purpose of practicing eight fold yoga is to control the mind in order to make it a friend in discharging the human mission. Unless the mind is controlled, the practice of yoga is simply a waste of time, it is simply for show. One who cannot control his mind lives always with the greatest enemy, and thus life and its mission are spoiled.
For one who has conquered the mind, the super soul is already reached, for he/she has attained tranquility. To such a man happiness and distress heat and cold, honor and dishonor are all the same.
BUSINESS;
Based on peoples qualities and types of work (Social System)
Intellectuals & Teachers (Brahmans)- Head
Military men & State Leaders (Ksatriyas)-Arm
Farmer & Merchant (Vaisya)-Belly
Laborers( Sûdras)-Leg
The head department is the most important department because without the head and other departments-arm, the belly and the leg cannot function. If the arm department is lacking business can still go on. If the leg department is lacking business can go on. But if the head department is not there other parts are useless.
Friday, September 19, 2008
A PROGRAM CONCEPT PAPER ON CONSUMER AWARENESS
This program is designed for National Consumer Forum of Nepal(piloting only) by Mr.Parmeshwor Vetwal on september 18 2008
Background:
National Consumer Forum.
The National Consumers Forum; a nonprofit public charity organized in the Nepal is an aggressive and relentless advocate for consumers nationwide, regardless of the product and in most cases where or when it was purchased. Our primary goal is to inform and assist individuals including single moms, seniors and the disabled, who need financial or legal advice, assistance with debt relief, consumer fraud, worthless guarantees, unsecured debts, medical bills, payday loan advances, overdrawn or closed bank accounts, obtaining debit & credit cards, even help with purchasing a home regardless of a credit report or dispute.
Consumer Awareness
Consumer awareness is part and parcel of consumer movement which is related with consumer protection and consumerism. Consumer movement emerged on account of the deceptive marketing techniques adopted by the marketers, shortage of consumer goods, adaptation of good and black marketing prices, misleading, advertisement, changing dimension in the society namely increase in Income and education and active campaign by the consumer organization and role of the government in protecting the consumer’s interest through consumer protection Act.
Marketing of goods an services has many diversified social issues comprising of consumerism governed by consumer movement; Marketing ethics relating to fair prices, quality product, promotional activity and distribution channels; social responsibility relating to the consumer protection under the enactment of law.
Consumer Right.
Consumer Protection Act (CPA) encompasses public, private and co-operative sectors and confers to the consumer.
• Right to SAFETY against hazardous goods and services.
• Right to be INFORMED about quality, quantity, purity, standard, price.
• Right to CHOOSE from a variety at competitive prices
• Right to be HEARD.
• Right to seek REDRESSAL.
• Right to CONSUMER EDUCATION, to the consumers.
Why Necessary:
• Rural people are largely unaware of consumer rights.
• People learned about standardization marks like ISO,NST from the shows. Both
buyers and sellers are more conscious about brand names and they hardly check
the marks.
• People are unaware of CPA and the campaign made them aware of Consumer
Rights, procedures to file a complaint, cost and redressal time period
involved.
• There is widespread grievance against use of inaccurate weights and measures.
• In rural areas and suburbs, buyers mostly do not take cash memos.
• Students expressed a lot of interest to participate in consumer clubs, which
were found to run very actively.
Objectives;
• In short,consumer awareness is basically for consumer’s right and at times
their obligations as well.Legally also, this aspect of consumer awareness has
been dealt in appropriately in sale of goods Act,besides setting up of
consumer courts at various levels
• To aware consumers well or take due precautions,most of the
inconvenience,hassles losses and litigations can be avoided or eliminated.If
the consumer take the things for granted,the seller may take advantage of the
situation and unpleasentness occurs.even if you have been cheated or devoid
of your rights inspite of your reasonable precaution,one should be aware of
the course of action avilable for remedy.
• To bring value for your money in the first place and ultimately improved
quality of life eliminating poor quality products and poor service/after
sales service from manuctfactures and sellers.
• Promote the environmental, economic, and health benefits of buying energy
efficient products.
Activities Undertaken.
Chapter 1- Introduction
(i) Concept of modern marketing.
(ii) Consumerism and consumer movement
(iii) Consumer Awareness : Education, environment, advertisement, newspapers, TV Channels, friends, relatives and the Public awareness organizations, consumer protection through legislative measures and the role of the government and social responsibility of business towards consumers, rights and duties of consumers.
Chapter 2- Research Methodology
(i) The Research Problem
(ii) Objective of the study
(iii) Hypothesis Formulation
(iv) Sample Design
(v) Collection of Data
(vi) Tabulation and Editing of Data
(vii) Analysis and interpretation of Data
(viii) Definition of Concepts
(ix) Testing of Hypothesis
(x) Preparation of Research Report
(xi) Limitation of the study
Chapter 3- Salient Features of the Consumer Protection Act,
(i) Scope of consumer protection Act
(ii) Important Provisions of the Act
(iii) Rights of consumers way the act
(iv) Administrative and organizational structure of the Machinery under the Act.
(v) Redressal of consumer grievances and disputes.
(vi) Working of the different tier system :
a. National commission
b. Zone commission
c. District Forums
Chapter 4- Consumer Awareness:
(i) Problems of Consumers in Nepal.
(ii) Consumer awareness through:
a) Education
b) Publicity through advertisements and sales promotion.
c) TV Channels
d) Government Measures
e) Friends and relatives
f) Consumer Movement – NGOS, Consumer’s day.
g) Voluntary Organizations
Chapter 5- Consumer Protection in Industrial zone.
(i) Opinion survey among consumers through questionnaires and personal contacts.
(ii) General analysis of responses
(iii) Awareness about exploitation by private traders.
(iv) Knowledge of consumer welfare schemes.
(v) Consumers rights
(vi) Consumer protection Act,
(vii) Procedures of Complaints under the Act
(viii) Different Methods of exploitation of consumers by private traders.
(ix) Consumer awareness relating to their duties and rights.
(x) Achievements and Failures of the Machinery under the Act.
Chapter 6- Summary of Findings and conclusions
(i) Summary of findings
(ii) Problems of consumer awareness
(iii) Accommodations for improvement.
An exploratory research will be conducted for which some of the important organizations of consumers will be undertaken, the various provisions of consumer protection act will be analyzed with reference to protect the consumer’s interest and awareness. Functioning of different tier system under the consumer protection Act (dated) with reference to the sights and remedies available to consumers.
The hypothesis is based on the steps taken by the government are not satisfactory and the level of consumer awareness is very low.
A sample of 100consumers will be taken and the questionnaire will be used for the collection of data. In this way primary source of Data will be used. Secondary sources of data from various sources of publication in government, semi- government and private organizations relating to consumer awareness and protection.
Background:
National Consumer Forum.
The National Consumers Forum; a nonprofit public charity organized in the Nepal is an aggressive and relentless advocate for consumers nationwide, regardless of the product and in most cases where or when it was purchased. Our primary goal is to inform and assist individuals including single moms, seniors and the disabled, who need financial or legal advice, assistance with debt relief, consumer fraud, worthless guarantees, unsecured debts, medical bills, payday loan advances, overdrawn or closed bank accounts, obtaining debit & credit cards, even help with purchasing a home regardless of a credit report or dispute.
Consumer Awareness
Consumer awareness is part and parcel of consumer movement which is related with consumer protection and consumerism. Consumer movement emerged on account of the deceptive marketing techniques adopted by the marketers, shortage of consumer goods, adaptation of good and black marketing prices, misleading, advertisement, changing dimension in the society namely increase in Income and education and active campaign by the consumer organization and role of the government in protecting the consumer’s interest through consumer protection Act.
Marketing of goods an services has many diversified social issues comprising of consumerism governed by consumer movement; Marketing ethics relating to fair prices, quality product, promotional activity and distribution channels; social responsibility relating to the consumer protection under the enactment of law.
Consumer Right.
Consumer Protection Act (CPA) encompasses public, private and co-operative sectors and confers to the consumer.
• Right to SAFETY against hazardous goods and services.
• Right to be INFORMED about quality, quantity, purity, standard, price.
• Right to CHOOSE from a variety at competitive prices
• Right to be HEARD.
• Right to seek REDRESSAL.
• Right to CONSUMER EDUCATION, to the consumers.
Why Necessary:
• Rural people are largely unaware of consumer rights.
• People learned about standardization marks like ISO,NST from the shows. Both
buyers and sellers are more conscious about brand names and they hardly check
the marks.
• People are unaware of CPA and the campaign made them aware of Consumer
Rights, procedures to file a complaint, cost and redressal time period
involved.
• There is widespread grievance against use of inaccurate weights and measures.
• In rural areas and suburbs, buyers mostly do not take cash memos.
• Students expressed a lot of interest to participate in consumer clubs, which
were found to run very actively.
Objectives;
• In short,consumer awareness is basically for consumer’s right and at times
their obligations as well.Legally also, this aspect of consumer awareness has
been dealt in appropriately in sale of goods Act,besides setting up of
consumer courts at various levels
• To aware consumers well or take due precautions,most of the
inconvenience,hassles losses and litigations can be avoided or eliminated.If
the consumer take the things for granted,the seller may take advantage of the
situation and unpleasentness occurs.even if you have been cheated or devoid
of your rights inspite of your reasonable precaution,one should be aware of
the course of action avilable for remedy.
• To bring value for your money in the first place and ultimately improved
quality of life eliminating poor quality products and poor service/after
sales service from manuctfactures and sellers.
• Promote the environmental, economic, and health benefits of buying energy
efficient products.
Activities Undertaken.
Chapter 1- Introduction
(i) Concept of modern marketing.
(ii) Consumerism and consumer movement
(iii) Consumer Awareness : Education, environment, advertisement, newspapers, TV Channels, friends, relatives and the Public awareness organizations, consumer protection through legislative measures and the role of the government and social responsibility of business towards consumers, rights and duties of consumers.
Chapter 2- Research Methodology
(i) The Research Problem
(ii) Objective of the study
(iii) Hypothesis Formulation
(iv) Sample Design
(v) Collection of Data
(vi) Tabulation and Editing of Data
(vii) Analysis and interpretation of Data
(viii) Definition of Concepts
(ix) Testing of Hypothesis
(x) Preparation of Research Report
(xi) Limitation of the study
Chapter 3- Salient Features of the Consumer Protection Act,
(i) Scope of consumer protection Act
(ii) Important Provisions of the Act
(iii) Rights of consumers way the act
(iv) Administrative and organizational structure of the Machinery under the Act.
(v) Redressal of consumer grievances and disputes.
(vi) Working of the different tier system :
a. National commission
b. Zone commission
c. District Forums
Chapter 4- Consumer Awareness:
(i) Problems of Consumers in Nepal.
(ii) Consumer awareness through:
a) Education
b) Publicity through advertisements and sales promotion.
c) TV Channels
d) Government Measures
e) Friends and relatives
f) Consumer Movement – NGOS, Consumer’s day.
g) Voluntary Organizations
Chapter 5- Consumer Protection in Industrial zone.
(i) Opinion survey among consumers through questionnaires and personal contacts.
(ii) General analysis of responses
(iii) Awareness about exploitation by private traders.
(iv) Knowledge of consumer welfare schemes.
(v) Consumers rights
(vi) Consumer protection Act,
(vii) Procedures of Complaints under the Act
(viii) Different Methods of exploitation of consumers by private traders.
(ix) Consumer awareness relating to their duties and rights.
(x) Achievements and Failures of the Machinery under the Act.
Chapter 6- Summary of Findings and conclusions
(i) Summary of findings
(ii) Problems of consumer awareness
(iii) Accommodations for improvement.
An exploratory research will be conducted for which some of the important organizations of consumers will be undertaken, the various provisions of consumer protection act will be analyzed with reference to protect the consumer’s interest and awareness. Functioning of different tier system under the consumer protection Act (dated) with reference to the sights and remedies available to consumers.
The hypothesis is based on the steps taken by the government are not satisfactory and the level of consumer awareness is very low.
A sample of 100consumers will be taken and the questionnaire will be used for the collection of data. In this way primary source of Data will be used. Secondary sources of data from various sources of publication in government, semi- government and private organizations relating to consumer awareness and protection.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
QUOTES
Ability quotes
The path of least resistance is the path of the loser.
-- H. G. Wells
Martyrdom is the only way a man can become famous without ability.
-- George Bernard Shaw
A genius can't be forced; nor can you make an ape an alderman.
-- Thomas Somerville
God does not ask about our ability, but our availability.
-- Unknown
We all have ability. The difference is how we use it.
-- Stevie Wonder
Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there.
-- John Wooden
No amount of ability is of the slightest avail without honor.
-- Andrew Carnegie
Ability is of little account without opportunity.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte
Advice quotes
Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
-- Benjamin Franklin
Always drink upstream from the herd.
-- Will Rogers
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
-- Will Rogers
Advice is like castor oil, easy to give, but dreadful to take.
-- Josh Billings
Consider the postage stamp, my son. It secures success through its ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
-- Josh Billings
Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive.
-- Elbert Hubbard
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
-- Wendell Johnson
The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.
-- George Bernard Shaw
Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave -- but there's no need to be in the passing lane.
-- Robert Orben
Albert Einstein Quotes
(1879 - 1955) - German born physicist and Nobel prize winner.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all art and science.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
Example isn't another way to teach, it is the only way to teach.
Human beings, vegetables, or comic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible player.
Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -how passionately I hate them!
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must above all be a sheep oneself.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish.
If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber.
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex... It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.
I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.
I do not know with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones.
I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice.
If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
Nationalism is an infantile disease, the measles of mankind.
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to not stop questioning.
A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits
Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Beverages quotes
A billion hours ago, human life appeared on earth. A billion minutes ago, Christianity emerged. A billion Coca Colas ago was yesterday morning.
-- Unknown (from a Coca-Cola report)
The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put rum or bourbon in it.
-- Lewis Grizzard
Coffee isn't my cup of tea.
-- Samuel Goldwyn
I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!
-- Tommy Cooper
Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts.
-- Finley Peter Dunne
I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
-- W.C. Fields
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
-- David Daye
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
-- William Clayton
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
-- Humphrey Bogart
All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.
-- Dave Barry
Books quotes
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
-- Jerry Seinfield
A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.
-- Ernest Hemingway
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
-- Mark Twain
Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again.
-- Mark Twain (talking about Henry James)
A good novel tells us the truth about it's hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.
-- G. K. Chesterton
There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts.
-- Charles Dickens
Death quotes
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
-- Sam Levenson
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
-- Jack Benny
Death was Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
-- Terry Pratchett (Strata, 1981)
It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you're dead, you're made for life.
-- Jimi Hendrix
Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
-- Somerset Maugham
Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
-- Proverb
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
-- Johnny Carson
At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual.
-- Patrick Moore
I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
-- George Burns
The only completely consistent people are the dead.
-- Aldous Huxley
Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
-- Mark Twain
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
-- Winston Churchill
Drink quotes
I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
-- George Gobel
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-- Dean Martin
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-- Catherine Zandonella
A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
-- Edward Abbey
Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.
-- W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Henry Youngman
Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
-- Winston Churchill (replying to Lady Astor's comment 'Sir, you're drunk!')
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
-- George Burns
No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
-- G. K. Chesterton
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
-- George Carlin
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-- Ernest Hemingway
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
-- W.C. Fields
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-- Frank Sinatra
Emo Philips Quotes
(b. 1956) - American comedian.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
George Burns Quotes Pages: 1
(1896 - 1996) - American actor, writer, Oscar winner.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
Happiness quotes
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
-- Rita Mae Brown
Happiness: a good bank account, a good cook, and a good digestion.
-- Jean Jacques Rousseau
One of the universal rules of happiness is: always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
-- Terry Pratchett (Jingo, 1997)
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.
-- Ogden Nash
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
-- Ingrid Bergman
Happiness is like a kiss. You must share it to enjoy it.
-- Bernard Meltzer
Inspirational quotes
And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.
-- Abraham Lincoln
Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap ... but by the seeds you plant!
-- Robert Louis Stevenson
Write it on your heart that every day is the best day of the year.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all art and science.
-- Albert Einstein
It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.
-- Eugene Ionesco Decouvertes
The best way to cheer yourself is to cheer somebody else up.
-- Mark Twain
The miracle is this - the more we share, the more we have.
-- Leonard Nimoy
Hope is the dream of the waking man.
-- Aristotle
The torpid artist seeks inspiration at any cost, by virtue or by vice, by friend or by fiend, by prayer or by wine.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Intelligence quotes Pages: 1
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
-- Mark Twain
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
-- Edgar Wallace
Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
-- Unknown
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
-- Bertrand Russell
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-- Groucho Marx
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
-- Albert Einstein
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
-- Albert Einstein
Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying.
-- Anonymous
Issac Asimov Quotes Pages: 1
(1920 - 1992) - Russian born American author.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it's bad for you.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not Eureka! (I found it!) but 'That's funny...’
To surrender to ignorance and call it God has always been premature, and it remains premature today.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Life quotes
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
-- Will Rogers
Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
-- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
-- Lily Tomlin
I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.
-- Eddie Izzard
There are no passengers on Spaceship Earth. We are all crew.
-- Marshall McLuhan
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
-- John Lennon (from Beautiful Boy - 1980)
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
-- Issac Asimov
They say the seeds of what we will do are in all of us, but it always seemed to me that in those who make jokes in life the seeds are covered with better soil and with a higher grade of manure.
-- Ernest Hemingway
Life's too short for chess.
-- Henry James Byron
Live in danger. Build your cities on the slopes of Vesuvius.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
-- Lewis Grizzard
Life is just one damned thing after another.
-- Elbert Hubbard
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
-- Tallulah Bankhead
In the end, everything is a gag.
-- Charlie Chaplin
I made up my mind long ago that life was too short to do anything for myself that I could pay others to do for me.
-- Somerset Maugham
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
-- Robert Frost
The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better -- it is just turning around as usual.
-- Finley Peter Dunne
Life's tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.
-- Benjamin Franklin
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
-- George Burns
My experience has taught me that a man who has no vices has damned few virtues.
-- Abraham Lincoln
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
-- Steven Wright
What some people mistake for the high cost of living is really the cost of high living.
-- Doug Larson
In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must above all be a sheep oneself.
-- Albert Einstein
If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber.
-- Albert Einstein
A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?
-- Albert Einstein
When you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.
-- Jean Harlow
Mark Twain Quotes
(1835 - 1910) - American writer, famous for Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer novels.
You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.
Man - a figment of God's imagination.
It is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies.
-- Commenting on the Bible.
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again.
-- (talking about Henry James)
The best way to cheer yourself is to cheer somebody else up.
Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the fight in the dog.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
It's still good sportsmanship to not pick up lost balls while they are still rolling.
Every generalization is dangerous, especially this one.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes.
In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards.
Men quotes
He was so mean it hurt him to go to the bathroom.
-- Britt Ekland (on Rod Stewart)
Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.
-- Diana Jordan
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
-- Robin Williams
A hard man is good to find.
-- Mae West
Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare.
-- Rene Descartes
A succesful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A succesful woman is one who can find such a man.
-- Lana Turner
Man - a figment of God's imagination.
-- Mark Twain
The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
-- Robert Benchley (My Ten Years in a Quandary, 1936)
I've dated men my age, younger than me and older. The only difference is the young ones are quicker at taking out the garbage.
-- Lara Flynn Boyle
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Money quotes
When its a question of money, everybody is of the same religion.
-- Voltaire
Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
-- Errol Flynn
The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.
-- Frank McKinney Hubbard
The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.
-- Peter Ustinov
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
-- Jackie Mason
Money is just the poor man's credit card.
-- Marshall McLuhan
Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
-- Spike Milligan
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
-- Robert Orben
Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark?
-- Steven Spielberg
To be clever enough to get all the money, one must be stupid enough to want it.
-- G. K. Chesterton
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
-- Yogi Berra
Watch the costs and the profits will take care of themselves.
-- Andrew Carnegie
Parents quotes
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
-- Bob Hope
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bitch.
-- Jack Nicholson
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
-- Samuel Butler
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
-- Josh Billings
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
-- Woody Allen
And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
-- Woody Allen
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
-- Dick Cavett
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
People quotes
The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night.
-- Otto von Bismarck
A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body - the wishbone.
-- Robert Frost
A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
-- Jerry Seinfield
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
-- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard
Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.
-- Abraham Lincoln
The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.
-- Oscar Wilde
Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
-- George S. Patton
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by the way he eats jelly beans.
-- Ronald Reagan
Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
-- Benjamin Franklin
Put Downs quotes
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
-- Phyllis Diller (on Arnold Schwarzenegger)
The best ears of our lives.
-- Milton Berle (on Clarke Gable)
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
-- Bob Monkhouse (on Jeffrey Archer - English politician, novelist, convict)
She needs open-heart surgery, and they should go in through her feet.
-- Julie Andrews (commenting on columnist Joyce Haber)
Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'
-- Jay Leno
Milton Berle is an inspiration to every young person that wants to get into show business. Hard work, perseverance, and discipline: all the things you need...when you have no talent.
-- Dean Martin
There's a statue of Jimmy Stewart in the Hollywood Wax Museum, and the statue talks better than he does.
-- Dean Martin
He's the kind of guy that when he dies, he's going up to heaven and give God a bad time for making him bald.
-- Marlon Brando (on Frank Sinatra)
Breasts like granite and a brain like swiss cheese.
-- Billy Wilder (on Marilyn Monroe)
Some refer to it as a cultural Chernobyl. I think of it as a cultural Stalingrad.
-- J. G. Ballard (referring to EuroDisney)
I'm a one-man idiot.
-- Eddie Izzard
I'm as pure as the driven slush.
-- Tallulah Bankhead
The right honourable gentleman is reminiscent of a poker. The only difference is that a poker gives off the occasional signs of warmth.
-- Benjamin Disraeli (on Robert Peel)
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
-- Groucho Marx
He would make a lovely corpse.
-- Charles Dickens
I do not know the American gentleman, God forgive me for putting two such words together.
-- Charles Dickens
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
-- Abraham Lincoln
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
-- Groucho Marx
Motivation quotes
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to not stop questioning. -- Albert Einstein
It doesn't matter who you are or where you've come from. You can achieve great things and make a difference in this world. You only need to believe in yourself enough, and you do that by reaching your goals one step at a time. -- Mark Llewhellin
Wisdom quotes
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
-- Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
-- W.C. Fields
Some folks are wise and some otherwise.
-- Josh Billings
Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
-- Jimi Hendrix
A candidate is someone who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
-- Unknown
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
-- Samuel Palmer
Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.
-- Mae West
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
-- Marty Feldman
I believe in getting into hot water. I think it keeps you clean.
-- G. K. Chesterton
Wise men don't need advice. Fools won't take it.
-- Benjamin Franklin
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
Every generalization is dangerous, especially this one.
-- Mark Twain
A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
-- Bill Cosby
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
-- Mark Twain
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile--hoping it will eat him last.
-- Winston Churchill
Make happy those who are near, and those who are far will come.
-- Proverb
Example isn't another way to teach, it is the only way to teach.
-- Albert Einstein
You're fooling yourself if you argue with a fool - others may not know the difference.
-- Robert Paul
Never pass up an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.
-- Paul Miller
Love quotes
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
-- John Barrymore
A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know.
-- Mistinguette (as quoted in Theatre Arts, Dec 1955)
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
-- Robert Frost
Love ceases to be a pleasure, when it ceases to be a secret.
-- Aphra Behn
(Love) A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
-- Ambrose Bierce
What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.
-- Pearl Bailey
Where love is concerned, too much is not even enough.
-- Pierre De Beaumarchais
Love is the heart of the soul.
-- Robert Paul
Love is a state in which a man sees things most decidedly as they are not.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece.
-- John Ruskin
A kiss: To a young girl, faith; to a married woman, hope; to an old maid, charity.
-- V.P. Skipper
Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
-- Albert Einstein
Stupidity quotes
In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that he did not also limit his stupid
ity.
-- Konrad Adenauer
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.
-- Brian Pickrell
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
-- Frank Zappa
A stupid man's report of what a clever man says is never accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.
-- Bertrand Russell
Most fools think they are only ignorant.
-- Benjamin Franklin
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits
-- Albert Einstein
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
-- Albert Einstein
Computer quotes
The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window.
-- Robert Paul
The question of whether computers can think is like the question of whether submarines can swim.
-- Edsgar Dijkstra
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
-- Edsgar Dijkstra
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
-- Thomas Watson
Always be wary of the Software Engineer who carries a screwdriver.
-- Robert Paul
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
-- Paul Ehrlich
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
-- Pablo Picasso
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
-- Issac Asimov
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
-- Issac Asimov
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-- Emo Philips
Friendship quotes
If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.
-- Harry S. Truman
There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
-- Benjamin Franklin
A real friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
-- Anonymous
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow; Don't walk behind me, I may not lead; Walk beside me, and just be my friend.
-- Albert Camus
Every murderer is probably somebody's old friend.
-- Agatha Christie
Win hearts, and you have hands and purses.
-- Lord Burleigh
Friendship is Love without his wings.
-- Lord Byron
It's much easier to turn a friendship into love, than love into friendship.
-- Proverb
Laughter quotes
We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte
You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.
-- Stephen King fromHearts in Atlantis.
Laughter is higher than all pain.
-- Elbert Hubbard
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
-- Victor Borge
Not by wrath does one kill, but by laughter.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
-- W.C. Fields
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
-- Charlie Chaplin
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
-- Will Rogers
He who laughs, lasts.
-- Mary Pettibone Poole
Success quotes
Nature gave men two ends - one to sit on and one to think with. Ever since then man's success or failure has been dependent on the one he used most.
-- George R. Kirkpatrick
People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.
-- Andrew Carnegie
It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and THEN do your best.
-- W. Edwards Deming
Before anything else, preparation is the key to success.
-- Alexander Graham Bell
Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
-- Winston Churchill
Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.
-- Albert Einstein
If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
-- Albert Einstein
Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.
-- Albert Einstein
The road to success is always under construction.
-- Unknown
Marriage quotes
It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
-- Spike Milligan
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.
-- Max Kauffmann
Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
-- Unknown
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henry Youngman
Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.
-- Les Dawson
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
-- Michel de Montaigne
A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.
-- Lord Byron
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
-- Joey Adams
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
-- Erma Bombeck
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.
-- Benjamin Franklin
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
-- Clint Eastwood
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
-- Clint Eastwood
Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.
-- Benjamin Franklin
A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.
-- Anonymous
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
-- Marvin Kitman
I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
-- Marie Corelli
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-- Hemant Joshi
Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.
-- Lisa Hoffman
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed.
-- Albert Einstein
I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again.
-- Noel Coward
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
-- Jim Backus
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
-- Anonymous
Children quotes
There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age.
-- Benjamin Spock
I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
-- Nancy Mitford
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
-- Phyllis Diller
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
-- W.C. Fields
The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.
-- Fyodor Dostoyevski
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
-- Clarence Darrow
Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
You see, money's not everything in life is it? but it keeps you in touch with your children...
-- Johnnie Casson
A boy's story is the best that is ever told.
-- Charles Dickens
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
-- Jack Benny
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
-- Bill Cosby
The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
-- Woody Allen
A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. "What do you mean?" responded her mother. "Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another."
-- Unknown
The 30 Latest Amusing Quotes
2 December
Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
-- Rita Rudner
I've been in more laps than a napkin.
-- Mae West
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
-- Milton Berle
The best ears of our lives.
-- Milton Berle (on Clarke Gable)
I still believe that at any time the no-talent police will come and arrest me.
-- Mike Myers
I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde.
-- Dolly Parton
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
-- Oscar Wilde
There are two seasons in Scotland - June and Winter.
-- Billy Connolly
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
-- Billy Connolly
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
-- Bob Hope
I was allowed to ring the bell for five minutes until everyone was in assembly. It was the beginning of power.
-- Jeffrey Archer
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
-- Bob Monkhouse (on Jeffrey Archer - English politician, novelist, convict)
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
-- W.C. Fields
29 November
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
-- Robert Frost
I believe in censorship. After all, I made a fortune out of it.
-- Mae West
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" till you can find a rock.
-- Wynn Catlin
Programming is like sex: One mistake and you support it a lifetime.
-- Unknown
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
-- Oliver Herford
An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.
-- Irv Kupcinet
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
-- Dick Gregory
He was so mean it hurt him to go to the bathroom.
-- Britt Ekland (on Rod Stewart)
I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs...like custom officers.
-- Jack Dee
The Law of Raspberry Jam: The wider any culture is spread, the thinner it gets.
-- Alvin Toffler (The Culture Consumers, 1964)
One of the definitions of sanity is the ability to tell real from unreal. Soon we'll need a new definition.
-- Alvin Toffler
We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later.
-- Louis Aragon
She needs open-heart surgery, and they should go in through her feet.
-- Julie Andrews (commenting on columnist Joyce Haber)
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
-- Fletcher Knebel
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
-- Rita Mae Brown
27 November
Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties.
-- George Clooney
Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.
-- Diana Jordan
Ralph Waldo Emerson Quotes Pages: 1
(1803 - 1882) - American author, minister.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.
Men succeed when they realize that their failures are the preparation for their victories.
Write it on your heart that every day is the best day of the year.
The torpid artist seeks inspiration at any cost, by virtue or by vice, by friend or by fiend, by prayer or by wine.
The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.
All diseases run into one, old age.
Democracy becomes a government of bullies tempered by editors.
A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.
Steven Wright Quotes Pages: 1
(b. 1955) - American comedian, actor. Visit his site
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ' Happy Birthday .'
How young can you die of old age?
Winston Churchill Quotes Pages: 1 2
(1874 - 1965) - British prime minister, author.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
-- (replying to Lady Astor's comment 'Sir, you're drunk!')
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into a even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile--hoping it will eat him last.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
Women quotes Pages: 1 2 3
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
-- Steve Martin
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
-- Oliver Herford
At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: 'My dad owns a liquor store.'
-- Mark Klein
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
-- Tim Allen
Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy?
-- Benny Hill
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'
-- Emo Philips
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
-- Lewis Grizzard
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
-- Les Dawson
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.
-- Phyllis Diller (as quoted in Woman's Almanac, 1977)
A woman's guess is much more accurate than a man's certainty.
-- Rudyard Kipling
Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one.
-- W.C. Fields
What would bug a guy from the Taliban more than seeing a gay woman in a suit surrounded by Jews?
-- Ellen DeGeneres (as spoken at the 2001 Emmy's)
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
-- Groucho Marx
It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
-- Tallulah Bankhead
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
-- Joey Adams
Man has will, but woman has her way.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
-- Aristotle Onassis
What a strange thing man is; and what a stranger thing woman.
-- Lord Byron
A woman knows she's wearing the right dress, when her man wants to take it off.
-- Robert Paul
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
-- W.C. Fields
A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Woody Allen Quotes Pages: 1
(b. 1935) - American film director, writer, actor. 3 times Oscar winner.
In Beverly Hills...they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.
And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
-- Getting Even, 'My Philosophy'
Work quotes
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
-- Lily Tomlin
It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.
-- William Faulkner
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
-- Jimmy Durante
The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
-- Robert Frost
People are still willing to do an honest day's work. The trouble is they want a week's pay for it.
-- Joey Adams
If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
-- Ogden Nash
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.
-- Christopher Hampton
The golden rule of work is that the bosses jokes are ALWAYS funny.
-- Robert Paul
I dream for a living.
-- Steven Spielberg
Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all.
-- Sam Ewing
Pages: 1 2
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
-- Robert Frost
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
-- Edgar Bergen
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
-- Jeff Foxworthy
By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.
-- Robert Frost
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
-- Charles Lamb
The first sign of a nervous breakdown is when you start thinking your work is terribly important.
-- Milo Bloom
All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
-- Steve Martin
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done...
-- Anonymous
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
-- Oscar Wilde
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working when you get up in the morning, and doesn't stop until you get to the office.
-- Robert Frost
The path of least resistance is the path of the loser.
-- H. G. Wells
Martyrdom is the only way a man can become famous without ability.
-- George Bernard Shaw
A genius can't be forced; nor can you make an ape an alderman.
-- Thomas Somerville
God does not ask about our ability, but our availability.
-- Unknown
We all have ability. The difference is how we use it.
-- Stevie Wonder
Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there.
-- John Wooden
No amount of ability is of the slightest avail without honor.
-- Andrew Carnegie
Ability is of little account without opportunity.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte
Advice quotes
Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
-- Benjamin Franklin
Always drink upstream from the herd.
-- Will Rogers
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
-- Will Rogers
Advice is like castor oil, easy to give, but dreadful to take.
-- Josh Billings
Consider the postage stamp, my son. It secures success through its ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
-- Josh Billings
Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive.
-- Elbert Hubbard
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
-- Wendell Johnson
The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.
-- George Bernard Shaw
Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave -- but there's no need to be in the passing lane.
-- Robert Orben
Albert Einstein Quotes
(1879 - 1955) - German born physicist and Nobel prize winner.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all art and science.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
Example isn't another way to teach, it is the only way to teach.
Human beings, vegetables, or comic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible player.
Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -how passionately I hate them!
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must above all be a sheep oneself.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish.
If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber.
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex... It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.
I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.
I do not know with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones.
I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice.
If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
Nationalism is an infantile disease, the measles of mankind.
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to not stop questioning.
A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits
Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Beverages quotes
A billion hours ago, human life appeared on earth. A billion minutes ago, Christianity emerged. A billion Coca Colas ago was yesterday morning.
-- Unknown (from a Coca-Cola report)
The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put rum or bourbon in it.
-- Lewis Grizzard
Coffee isn't my cup of tea.
-- Samuel Goldwyn
I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!
-- Tommy Cooper
Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts.
-- Finley Peter Dunne
I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
-- W.C. Fields
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
-- David Daye
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
-- William Clayton
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
-- Humphrey Bogart
All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.
-- Dave Barry
Books quotes
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
-- Jerry Seinfield
A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.
-- Ernest Hemingway
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
-- Mark Twain
Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again.
-- Mark Twain (talking about Henry James)
A good novel tells us the truth about it's hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.
-- G. K. Chesterton
There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts.
-- Charles Dickens
Death quotes
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
-- Sam Levenson
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
-- Jack Benny
Death was Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
-- Terry Pratchett (Strata, 1981)
It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you're dead, you're made for life.
-- Jimi Hendrix
Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
-- Somerset Maugham
Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
-- Proverb
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
-- Johnny Carson
At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual.
-- Patrick Moore
I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
-- George Burns
The only completely consistent people are the dead.
-- Aldous Huxley
Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
-- Mark Twain
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
-- Winston Churchill
Drink quotes
I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
-- George Gobel
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-- Dean Martin
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-- Catherine Zandonella
A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
-- Edward Abbey
Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.
-- W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Henry Youngman
Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
-- Winston Churchill (replying to Lady Astor's comment 'Sir, you're drunk!')
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
-- George Burns
No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
-- G. K. Chesterton
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
-- George Carlin
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-- Ernest Hemingway
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
-- W.C. Fields
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-- Frank Sinatra
Emo Philips Quotes
(b. 1956) - American comedian.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
George Burns Quotes Pages: 1
(1896 - 1996) - American actor, writer, Oscar winner.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
Happiness quotes
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
-- Rita Mae Brown
Happiness: a good bank account, a good cook, and a good digestion.
-- Jean Jacques Rousseau
One of the universal rules of happiness is: always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
-- Terry Pratchett (Jingo, 1997)
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.
-- Ogden Nash
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
-- Ingrid Bergman
Happiness is like a kiss. You must share it to enjoy it.
-- Bernard Meltzer
Inspirational quotes
And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.
-- Abraham Lincoln
Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap ... but by the seeds you plant!
-- Robert Louis Stevenson
Write it on your heart that every day is the best day of the year.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all art and science.
-- Albert Einstein
It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.
-- Eugene Ionesco Decouvertes
The best way to cheer yourself is to cheer somebody else up.
-- Mark Twain
The miracle is this - the more we share, the more we have.
-- Leonard Nimoy
Hope is the dream of the waking man.
-- Aristotle
The torpid artist seeks inspiration at any cost, by virtue or by vice, by friend or by fiend, by prayer or by wine.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Intelligence quotes Pages: 1
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
-- Mark Twain
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
-- Edgar Wallace
Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
-- Unknown
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
-- Bertrand Russell
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-- Groucho Marx
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
-- Albert Einstein
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
-- Albert Einstein
Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying.
-- Anonymous
Issac Asimov Quotes Pages: 1
(1920 - 1992) - Russian born American author.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it's bad for you.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not Eureka! (I found it!) but 'That's funny...’
To surrender to ignorance and call it God has always been premature, and it remains premature today.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Life quotes
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
-- Will Rogers
Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
-- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
-- Lily Tomlin
I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.
-- Eddie Izzard
There are no passengers on Spaceship Earth. We are all crew.
-- Marshall McLuhan
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
-- John Lennon (from Beautiful Boy - 1980)
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
-- Issac Asimov
They say the seeds of what we will do are in all of us, but it always seemed to me that in those who make jokes in life the seeds are covered with better soil and with a higher grade of manure.
-- Ernest Hemingway
Life's too short for chess.
-- Henry James Byron
Live in danger. Build your cities on the slopes of Vesuvius.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
-- Lewis Grizzard
Life is just one damned thing after another.
-- Elbert Hubbard
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
-- Tallulah Bankhead
In the end, everything is a gag.
-- Charlie Chaplin
I made up my mind long ago that life was too short to do anything for myself that I could pay others to do for me.
-- Somerset Maugham
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
-- Robert Frost
The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better -- it is just turning around as usual.
-- Finley Peter Dunne
Life's tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.
-- Benjamin Franklin
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
-- George Burns
My experience has taught me that a man who has no vices has damned few virtues.
-- Abraham Lincoln
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
-- Steven Wright
What some people mistake for the high cost of living is really the cost of high living.
-- Doug Larson
In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must above all be a sheep oneself.
-- Albert Einstein
If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber.
-- Albert Einstein
A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?
-- Albert Einstein
When you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.
-- Jean Harlow
Mark Twain Quotes
(1835 - 1910) - American writer, famous for Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer novels.
You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.
Man - a figment of God's imagination.
It is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies.
-- Commenting on the Bible.
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again.
-- (talking about Henry James)
The best way to cheer yourself is to cheer somebody else up.
Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the fight in the dog.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
It's still good sportsmanship to not pick up lost balls while they are still rolling.
Every generalization is dangerous, especially this one.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes.
In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards.
Men quotes
He was so mean it hurt him to go to the bathroom.
-- Britt Ekland (on Rod Stewart)
Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.
-- Diana Jordan
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
-- Robin Williams
A hard man is good to find.
-- Mae West
Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare.
-- Rene Descartes
A succesful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A succesful woman is one who can find such a man.
-- Lana Turner
Man - a figment of God's imagination.
-- Mark Twain
The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
-- Robert Benchley (My Ten Years in a Quandary, 1936)
I've dated men my age, younger than me and older. The only difference is the young ones are quicker at taking out the garbage.
-- Lara Flynn Boyle
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Money quotes
When its a question of money, everybody is of the same religion.
-- Voltaire
Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
-- Errol Flynn
The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.
-- Frank McKinney Hubbard
The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.
-- Peter Ustinov
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
-- Jackie Mason
Money is just the poor man's credit card.
-- Marshall McLuhan
Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
-- Spike Milligan
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
-- Robert Orben
Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark?
-- Steven Spielberg
To be clever enough to get all the money, one must be stupid enough to want it.
-- G. K. Chesterton
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
-- Yogi Berra
Watch the costs and the profits will take care of themselves.
-- Andrew Carnegie
Parents quotes
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
-- Bob Hope
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bitch.
-- Jack Nicholson
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
-- Samuel Butler
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
-- Josh Billings
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
-- Woody Allen
And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
-- Woody Allen
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
-- Dick Cavett
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
People quotes
The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night.
-- Otto von Bismarck
A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body - the wishbone.
-- Robert Frost
A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
-- Jerry Seinfield
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
-- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard
Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.
-- Abraham Lincoln
The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.
-- Oscar Wilde
Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
-- George S. Patton
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by the way he eats jelly beans.
-- Ronald Reagan
Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
-- Benjamin Franklin
Put Downs quotes
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
-- Phyllis Diller (on Arnold Schwarzenegger)
The best ears of our lives.
-- Milton Berle (on Clarke Gable)
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
-- Bob Monkhouse (on Jeffrey Archer - English politician, novelist, convict)
She needs open-heart surgery, and they should go in through her feet.
-- Julie Andrews (commenting on columnist Joyce Haber)
Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'
-- Jay Leno
Milton Berle is an inspiration to every young person that wants to get into show business. Hard work, perseverance, and discipline: all the things you need...when you have no talent.
-- Dean Martin
There's a statue of Jimmy Stewart in the Hollywood Wax Museum, and the statue talks better than he does.
-- Dean Martin
He's the kind of guy that when he dies, he's going up to heaven and give God a bad time for making him bald.
-- Marlon Brando (on Frank Sinatra)
Breasts like granite and a brain like swiss cheese.
-- Billy Wilder (on Marilyn Monroe)
Some refer to it as a cultural Chernobyl. I think of it as a cultural Stalingrad.
-- J. G. Ballard (referring to EuroDisney)
I'm a one-man idiot.
-- Eddie Izzard
I'm as pure as the driven slush.
-- Tallulah Bankhead
The right honourable gentleman is reminiscent of a poker. The only difference is that a poker gives off the occasional signs of warmth.
-- Benjamin Disraeli (on Robert Peel)
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
-- Groucho Marx
He would make a lovely corpse.
-- Charles Dickens
I do not know the American gentleman, God forgive me for putting two such words together.
-- Charles Dickens
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
-- Abraham Lincoln
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
-- Groucho Marx
Motivation quotes
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to not stop questioning. -- Albert Einstein
It doesn't matter who you are or where you've come from. You can achieve great things and make a difference in this world. You only need to believe in yourself enough, and you do that by reaching your goals one step at a time. -- Mark Llewhellin
Wisdom quotes
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
-- Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
-- W.C. Fields
Some folks are wise and some otherwise.
-- Josh Billings
Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
-- Jimi Hendrix
A candidate is someone who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
-- Unknown
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
-- Samuel Palmer
Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.
-- Mae West
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
-- Marty Feldman
I believe in getting into hot water. I think it keeps you clean.
-- G. K. Chesterton
Wise men don't need advice. Fools won't take it.
-- Benjamin Franklin
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
Every generalization is dangerous, especially this one.
-- Mark Twain
A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
-- Bill Cosby
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
-- Mark Twain
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile--hoping it will eat him last.
-- Winston Churchill
Make happy those who are near, and those who are far will come.
-- Proverb
Example isn't another way to teach, it is the only way to teach.
-- Albert Einstein
You're fooling yourself if you argue with a fool - others may not know the difference.
-- Robert Paul
Never pass up an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.
-- Paul Miller
Love quotes
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
-- John Barrymore
A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know.
-- Mistinguette (as quoted in Theatre Arts, Dec 1955)
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
-- Robert Frost
Love ceases to be a pleasure, when it ceases to be a secret.
-- Aphra Behn
(Love) A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
-- Ambrose Bierce
What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.
-- Pearl Bailey
Where love is concerned, too much is not even enough.
-- Pierre De Beaumarchais
Love is the heart of the soul.
-- Robert Paul
Love is a state in which a man sees things most decidedly as they are not.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece.
-- John Ruskin
A kiss: To a young girl, faith; to a married woman, hope; to an old maid, charity.
-- V.P. Skipper
Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
-- Albert Einstein
Stupidity quotes
In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that he did not also limit his stupid
ity.
-- Konrad Adenauer
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.
-- Brian Pickrell
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
-- Frank Zappa
A stupid man's report of what a clever man says is never accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.
-- Bertrand Russell
Most fools think they are only ignorant.
-- Benjamin Franklin
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits
-- Albert Einstein
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
-- Albert Einstein
Computer quotes
The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window.
-- Robert Paul
The question of whether computers can think is like the question of whether submarines can swim.
-- Edsgar Dijkstra
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
-- Edsgar Dijkstra
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
-- Thomas Watson
Always be wary of the Software Engineer who carries a screwdriver.
-- Robert Paul
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
-- Paul Ehrlich
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
-- Pablo Picasso
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
-- Issac Asimov
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
-- Issac Asimov
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-- Emo Philips
Friendship quotes
If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.
-- Harry S. Truman
There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
-- Benjamin Franklin
A real friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
-- Anonymous
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow; Don't walk behind me, I may not lead; Walk beside me, and just be my friend.
-- Albert Camus
Every murderer is probably somebody's old friend.
-- Agatha Christie
Win hearts, and you have hands and purses.
-- Lord Burleigh
Friendship is Love without his wings.
-- Lord Byron
It's much easier to turn a friendship into love, than love into friendship.
-- Proverb
Laughter quotes
We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte
You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.
-- Stephen King fromHearts in Atlantis.
Laughter is higher than all pain.
-- Elbert Hubbard
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
-- Victor Borge
Not by wrath does one kill, but by laughter.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
-- W.C. Fields
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
-- Charlie Chaplin
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
-- Will Rogers
He who laughs, lasts.
-- Mary Pettibone Poole
Success quotes
Nature gave men two ends - one to sit on and one to think with. Ever since then man's success or failure has been dependent on the one he used most.
-- George R. Kirkpatrick
People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.
-- Andrew Carnegie
It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and THEN do your best.
-- W. Edwards Deming
Before anything else, preparation is the key to success.
-- Alexander Graham Bell
Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
-- Winston Churchill
Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.
-- Albert Einstein
If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
-- Albert Einstein
Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.
-- Albert Einstein
The road to success is always under construction.
-- Unknown
Marriage quotes
It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
-- Spike Milligan
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.
-- Max Kauffmann
Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
-- Unknown
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henry Youngman
Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.
-- Les Dawson
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
-- Michel de Montaigne
A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.
-- Lord Byron
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
-- Joey Adams
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
-- Erma Bombeck
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.
-- Benjamin Franklin
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
-- Clint Eastwood
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
-- Clint Eastwood
Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.
-- Benjamin Franklin
A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.
-- Anonymous
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
-- Marvin Kitman
I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
-- Marie Corelli
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-- Hemant Joshi
Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.
-- Lisa Hoffman
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed.
-- Albert Einstein
I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again.
-- Noel Coward
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
-- Jim Backus
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
-- Anonymous
Children quotes
There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age.
-- Benjamin Spock
I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
-- Nancy Mitford
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
-- Phyllis Diller
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
-- W.C. Fields
The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.
-- Fyodor Dostoyevski
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
-- Clarence Darrow
Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
You see, money's not everything in life is it? but it keeps you in touch with your children...
-- Johnnie Casson
A boy's story is the best that is ever told.
-- Charles Dickens
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
-- Jack Benny
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
-- Bill Cosby
The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
-- Woody Allen
A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. "What do you mean?" responded her mother. "Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another."
-- Unknown
The 30 Latest Amusing Quotes
2 December
Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
-- Rita Rudner
I've been in more laps than a napkin.
-- Mae West
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
-- Milton Berle
The best ears of our lives.
-- Milton Berle (on Clarke Gable)
I still believe that at any time the no-talent police will come and arrest me.
-- Mike Myers
I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde.
-- Dolly Parton
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
-- Oscar Wilde
There are two seasons in Scotland - June and Winter.
-- Billy Connolly
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
-- Billy Connolly
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
-- Bob Hope
I was allowed to ring the bell for five minutes until everyone was in assembly. It was the beginning of power.
-- Jeffrey Archer
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
-- Bob Monkhouse (on Jeffrey Archer - English politician, novelist, convict)
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
-- W.C. Fields
29 November
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
-- Robert Frost
I believe in censorship. After all, I made a fortune out of it.
-- Mae West
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" till you can find a rock.
-- Wynn Catlin
Programming is like sex: One mistake and you support it a lifetime.
-- Unknown
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
-- Oliver Herford
An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.
-- Irv Kupcinet
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
-- Dick Gregory
He was so mean it hurt him to go to the bathroom.
-- Britt Ekland (on Rod Stewart)
I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs...like custom officers.
-- Jack Dee
The Law of Raspberry Jam: The wider any culture is spread, the thinner it gets.
-- Alvin Toffler (The Culture Consumers, 1964)
One of the definitions of sanity is the ability to tell real from unreal. Soon we'll need a new definition.
-- Alvin Toffler
We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later.
-- Louis Aragon
She needs open-heart surgery, and they should go in through her feet.
-- Julie Andrews (commenting on columnist Joyce Haber)
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
-- Fletcher Knebel
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
-- Rita Mae Brown
27 November
Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties.
-- George Clooney
Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.
-- Diana Jordan
Ralph Waldo Emerson Quotes Pages: 1
(1803 - 1882) - American author, minister.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.
Men succeed when they realize that their failures are the preparation for their victories.
Write it on your heart that every day is the best day of the year.
The torpid artist seeks inspiration at any cost, by virtue or by vice, by friend or by fiend, by prayer or by wine.
The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.
All diseases run into one, old age.
Democracy becomes a government of bullies tempered by editors.
A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.
Steven Wright Quotes Pages: 1
(b. 1955) - American comedian, actor. Visit his site
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ' Happy Birthday .'
How young can you die of old age?
Winston Churchill Quotes Pages: 1 2
(1874 - 1965) - British prime minister, author.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
-- (replying to Lady Astor's comment 'Sir, you're drunk!')
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into a even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile--hoping it will eat him last.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
Women quotes Pages: 1 2 3
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
-- Steve Martin
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
-- Oliver Herford
At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: 'My dad owns a liquor store.'
-- Mark Klein
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
-- Tim Allen
Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy?
-- Benny Hill
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'
-- Emo Philips
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
-- Lewis Grizzard
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
-- Les Dawson
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.
-- Phyllis Diller (as quoted in Woman's Almanac, 1977)
A woman's guess is much more accurate than a man's certainty.
-- Rudyard Kipling
Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one.
-- W.C. Fields
What would bug a guy from the Taliban more than seeing a gay woman in a suit surrounded by Jews?
-- Ellen DeGeneres (as spoken at the 2001 Emmy's)
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
-- Groucho Marx
It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
-- Tallulah Bankhead
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
-- Joey Adams
Man has will, but woman has her way.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
-- Aristotle Onassis
What a strange thing man is; and what a stranger thing woman.
-- Lord Byron
A woman knows she's wearing the right dress, when her man wants to take it off.
-- Robert Paul
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
-- W.C. Fields
A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Woody Allen Quotes Pages: 1
(b. 1935) - American film director, writer, actor. 3 times Oscar winner.
In Beverly Hills...they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.
And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
-- Getting Even, 'My Philosophy'
Work quotes
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
-- Lily Tomlin
It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.
-- William Faulkner
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
-- Jimmy Durante
The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
-- Robert Frost
People are still willing to do an honest day's work. The trouble is they want a week's pay for it.
-- Joey Adams
If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
-- Ogden Nash
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.
-- Christopher Hampton
The golden rule of work is that the bosses jokes are ALWAYS funny.
-- Robert Paul
I dream for a living.
-- Steven Spielberg
Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all.
-- Sam Ewing
Pages: 1 2
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
-- Robert Frost
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
-- Edgar Bergen
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
-- Jeff Foxworthy
By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.
-- Robert Frost
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
-- Charles Lamb
The first sign of a nervous breakdown is when you start thinking your work is terribly important.
-- Milo Bloom
All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
-- Steve Martin
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done...
-- Anonymous
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
-- Oscar Wilde
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working when you get up in the morning, and doesn't stop until you get to the office.
-- Robert Frost
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