ANGER MANAGEMENT
Introduction
We all know what anger is, and we’ve all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as a fell fledged rage.
Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems: problems a work, in your personal relationship and is the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you’re at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. This brochure is meant to help you to understand and get a handle on handling anger.
What is Anger?
The Nature of Anger
Anger is “an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage,” according to a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as does the level of your energy hormones, adrenaline and noradrenaline.
Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.
Expressing Anger
The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.
On the other hand, we can’t physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming.
Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive-not aggressive-manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn’t mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn’t allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward- on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure or depression.
Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything and making cynical comments haven’t learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren’t likely to have many successful relationships.
Just because you are angry does not necessarily mean you have a problem. Most people have been angered at times in their lives. It is, after all, part of a natural response that helps our survival and helps us to protect others. Here are some examples of when anger is helpful and healthy:
· It gives us the courage to defend ourselves or those we love.
· It motivates us to improve the world by inspiring social action and justice.
· It confirms our individuality, especially when we are children.
· It warns others not to take advantage of us.
The person who is not able to admit to any anger risks depression, low self-esteem and victimization!
Frequent or excessive anger is NOT useful; in fact, it is likely to have a negative effect on your health, to spoil your relationships with others and to limit your life experiences and ability to achieve happiness. Here is a guide, which asks if you have any of the following symptoms of excessive unhealthy anger:
- A pattern of repeating the same angry words or deeds in particular situations.
- An inclination to shout at people or use violent words.
- A tendency to brood or fantasize about angry scenes with people.
- An inability to deal with difficult situations without becoming angry.
- A temptation or recourse to violence, possibly resulting in trouble with the law.
- A reliance on getting angry to make you feel better.
- Substituting getting angry about a problem for solving or learning to live with the problem.
- Anger-linked health problems such as hypertension or digestive trouble.
- Being recognized as an angry person and so teased, appeased or feared by others.
- Having a strong prejudice against strangers because of their race, gender etc.
- Avoiding situations because you fear your temper.
Explaining Anger
There is no simple explanation as to why some people are angrier than others; some of it might depend on our character or our earlier experiences. However, the following contributory factors definitely act to maintain the situation:
- Habit – anger can become an automatic response to certain situations, and others can reinforce this habit if they have become used to us getting angry.
- Fear – anger can be felt as a response to situations that we fear will overwhelm us if we do not go on the offensive.
- Shame – anger can spring from the feeling that we have to fight to preserve our dignity and sense of self-worth.
- Loss – anger commonly accompanies the sadness that goes with a bereavement or severe setback.
- Lack of assertiveness – if you cannot speak up for yourself and get some of your own way by negotiation you may find yourself exploding instead.
- Low frustration tolerance – when you go back on the attack to deal with situations that most people would just put up with.
- Response to past trauma – if you have been badly hurt in the past you may understandably be reacting over-aggressively towards anything that seems threatening in the present.
- As a symptom of psychological or physical conditions – conditions that involve constant pain, changed hormone level or mental disturbance may trigger anger.
Are You Too Angry?
There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.
Why Are Some People Angrier Than Others?
According to a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some people are really more “hotheaded” than others; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person. There are also those who don’t show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don’t always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk or get physically ill.
People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience or annoyance. They can’t take things in stride, and they’re particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.
What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological; there is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we’re taught that it’s all right to express anxiety, depression or other emotions, but not to express anger. As a result, we don’t learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.
Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic and not skilled at emotional communications.
Is It Good to “Let it All Hang Out”?
Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that “letting it rip” with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you’re angry with) resolve the situation.
It’s best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from topping you over the edge.
MAIN TYPES OF ANGER:
Anger can be of one of two main types: passive anger and aggressive anger. These types of anger have some characteristic symptoms:
Passive anger
Passive anger can be expressed in the following ways:
- Secretive behavior, such as stockpiling resentments that are expressed behind people’s backs or through sly digs, giving the silent treatment or under the breath mutterings, avoiding eye contact, putting people down, gossip, anonymous complaints, poison pen letters, stealing, and conning.
- Manipulation, such as provoking people to aggression and then patronizing forgiveness, provoking aggression but staying on the sidelines, emotional blackmail, ingenuine tearfulness, feigning illness, sabotaging relationships, using sexual provocation, using a third party to convey negative feelings, withholding money or resources.
- Self-blame, such as apologizing too often, being overly critical, inviting criticism you should be sorry.
- Self-sacrifice, such as being overly helpful, pointedly making do with second best, quietly making long suffering signs but refusing help, or lapping up gratefulness and making friendly digs where it is not forthcoming.
- Ineffectual, such as setting yourself and others up for failure, choosing unreliable people to depend on, being accident prone, underachieving, sexual impotence, expressing frustration at insignificant things but ignoring serious ones.
- Dispassionate, such as giving the cold shoulder or phony smiles, looking cool, sitting on the fence while others sort things out, dampening feelings with substance abuse (to include overeating), oversleeping, not responding to other’s anger, frigidity, indulging in sexual practices that depress spontaneity and make objects of participants, giving inordinate amounts of time to machines, objects or intellectual pursuits, talking of frustrations but showing no feeling.
- Obsessional behavior, such as needing to be clean and tidy, making a habit of constantly checking, over-dieting or overeating, demanding that all jobs are done perfectly.
- Evasiveness, such as turning your back in a crisis, avoiding conflict, not arguing back, becoming phobic.
Aggressive anger
The symptoms of aggressive anger are:
· Threatening, such as frightening people by saying how you could harm them, their property or their prospects, finger pointing, fist shaking, wearing clothes associated with violent behavior, driving on someone’s tail, setting on a car horn, slamming doors.
· Hurtful, such as physical violence, verbal abuse, unfair jokes, breaking a confidence, playing loud music, using foul language, ignoring people’s feelings, willfully discriminating, blaming, or punishing people for deeds they are known not to have committed, labeling others.
· Destructive, such as harming objects,knowingly destroying a relationship between two people, driving recklessly, drinking too much.
· Bullying, such as threatening people, persecuting, pushing or shoving, using power to oppress, shouting, using a powerful car to force someone off the road, playing on people’s weaknesses.
· Unjustly blaming, such as accusing other people for your own mistakes, blaming people for your own feelings, making general accusations.
· Manic, such as speaking too fast, walking too fast, working too much and expecting others to fit in, driving too fast, reckless spending.
· Grandiose, such as showing off, expressing mistrust, not delegating, being a poor loser, wanting center stage all the time, not listening, talking over people’s heads, expecting kiss and make-up sessions to solve problems.]
· Selfish, such as ignoring other’s needs, not responding to requests for help, queue jumping, ‘cutting in’ when driving.
· Revengeful, such as being over-punitive, refusing to forgive and forget, bringing up hurtful memories from the past.
· Unpredictable, such as blowing hot and cold, explosive rages over minor frustrations, attacking indiscriminately, dispensing punishment out of the blue, inflicting harm on other just for the sake of it, using drink and drugs that are known to destabilize mood, using illogical arguments.
It should be stated that anyone displaying any of these behaviors does not always have an anger management problem.
How your body tells you when you're getting angry
Ø Heart beats faster
Ø Muscles tense
Ø Eyebrows scowl
Ø Hot flashes
Ø Extra energy or strength
Ø Hearing is fuzzy or ringing
Ø Physical pain does not hurt
Ø Tunnel vision
Anger is a valid healthy emotion.
1. It can help you set limits and boundaries in relationships.
2. It is a tool to help you identify your needs and wants.
3. When you know how to respond to your anger positively, you can tap into an unlimited source of personal power. This power can enable you to speak for yourself and to learn to manage the fear of shame or criticism.
4. Positive approaches to anger management can help you achieve your wants without rage, violence, aggression, or controlling behaviors.
5. An anger problem is any behavior caused by anger that hurts you or someone else.
Anger - Emotion of self-preservation.
Anger is the intent to preserve
(1) Personal worth,
(2) Essential needs, and
(3) Basic convictions.
1. Personal worth: Anger is ignited when you feel rejection or invalidation.
You ask a significant person in your life (husband, wife, close friend) to do a favor for you. The person responds they don’t have the time or aren’t interested in helping you. You believe that the person is being selfish and you tell them that, and also remind them of your hard work on their behalf. You end up feeling frustrated because the significant person will not acknowledge your contributions. Anger is produced by the person feeling disrespected.
2. Essential Needs: These needs can be different for individuals, but among them is love, support, encouragement, respect.
A wife is upset with her husband, quick to criticize and fretful over minor matters. Even when the husband attempts to please her she remains disgruntled because she is sure his imperfections will resurface later on. She has convinced herself that she needs perfection in her home, and because this is impossible she stays chronically angry.
3. Preserving Basic Convictions: There is a fine line for knowing when to stand firmly for your convictions and when to accept the imperfections you see in your world.
A shopper in the checkout line at the grocery store witnesses a mother fussing rudely with her four-year old son. This shopper become so flustered by the mother’s behavior that he leaves his keys on the cashier’s counter, and then spends a lot of time trying to remember where they are.
Addiction and Anger
1. Sex, work, alcohol, food, or drugs are a way to escape emotions and environments.
2. Addictions are linked with anger and aggressions.
3. Alcohol and drugs can lower inhibitions and be an excuse for bad behavior.
4. Addictive substances can fuel destructive rages causing people to express their anger in abusive ways.
5. Being in recovery is an anger condition because the crutches provided by the addictive substances are gone and one has to face the issues they’ve spent years avoiding.
6. The recovery process can bring up past traumas that have been suppressed by addictive behavior.
7. Anger is a major issue in gaining sobriety and it can be a cause of relapse.
8. Dealing with the wounds and losses of a lifetime requires a recovering person to face the pain and deep hurt he has been avoiding and medicating.
Negative Ways That We Express Anger
1. Passive: Some people become indecisive or inactive when they feel their own or another person’s anger.
2. Aggressive: Some people act out anger feelings by attacking, or trying to control.
3. Dependant-Addicted: Some people use addictions to avoid their feelings.
4. Depressive: Some people become introverted and depressed.
5. Passive-aggressive: Some people use their anger to manipulate or manage others.
Understanding the Goals of Negative Behavior
You can tell what the purpose of someone's mischief is by the way it makes you FEEL when it is happening. Instead of reacting to the mischief, you can ask yourself, "How is this behavior making me feel right now? Which of the basic emotional needs is being sought?"
| If you feel annoyed and irritated... | | His or her purpose is to get your attention. The most basic and fundamental need of children is the need to belong -- to bond and feel connected to the parent and family. To be esteemed and valued as a human being. This makes attention one of the strongest motives underlying the child's misbehavior. |
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| If you feel powerless and out of control... | | His or her purpose is to gain power and control over YOU. Children also have the need to be able to influence and control their environment. They strive to control the outcome of the events going on around them in ways that are consistent with, and in service to, their own wishes and desires. When they feel inadequate to do this, they become rebellious and defiant. |
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| If you feel hurt... | | His or her purpose is revenge! Children also strive to protect themselves from their "perception" of an attack or threat to their sense of self, whether real or imaginary. They perceive every reversal, major or minor, as if they were being singled out by others (i.e. parents, teachers) for special torture and punishment. They feel victimized and seek relief from their hurt feelings through acts of revenge. |
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| If you feel discouraged and helpless... | | His or her purpose is to withdraw from the task/situation for which he feels inadequate to cope. Children withdraw from overwhelming situations in order to maintain their immature sense of ego and pride, to escape the reality of their own inadequacies. |
Measure your Anger, Now!
1. How am I feeling right now?
| ___ Anxious | ___ Worthless | ___ Hostile | ___ Depressed |
| ___ Mean/evil | ___ Revengeful | ___ Bitchy | ___ Bitter |
| ___ Rebellious | ___ Paranoid | ___ Victimized | ___ Numb |
| ___ Sarcastic | ___ Resentful | ___ Frustrated | ___ Destructive |
These are some of the names that we give to our feelings of anger! There is no cure for any of them. The first step in resolving our anger problem is to identify it as anger! The purpose of this step is to make our anger more specific. No one can manage anger that is vague and covered up with euphemisms.
2. What happened to make you angry?
If we can focus on the specific incident which triggered our anger, our anger becomes more understandable and easier to manage.
3. Who am I angry at?
| ___ My own self | ___ My spouse | ___ My partner | ___ My boss |
| ___ The kids | ___ God | ___ The Human Race | ___ My Life |
| ___ All men | ___ Women | ___ Other races | ___ Miscellaneous |
Our anger usually will involve five (5) general areas.
(1) Our anger at others,
(2) Others anger at us,
(3) Our anger at self,
(4) Residual anger from the past, or
(5) Abstract anger.
If you can identify the specific facets of your anger, you will be in a better position to put your anger into a more moderate and more manageable perspective. You can do this by asking yourself a series of focusing questions.
4. What about this angers me the most?
For example, you have established the fact that in the above situation it made you feel powerless, unappreciated or good for nothing. You are now ready to take a closer look at these feelings underlying your anger. What is it about being made to feel powerless that angers you the most? Some examples of what you might find upon deeper analysis is:
- "there is nothing that I can do about it."
- "I feel so stupid!"
- "I feel guilty for allowing it to happen."
- "I feel inadequate to cope with this situation."
Having peeled your anger down to this level, you are ready now to penetrate your anger at its deepest level. You are ready to focus on the real issue underlying all of the prior layers and levels of your emotional distress.
5. Now, what about this angers me the MOST?
This level of self-analysis usually brings us down to bedrock. Down to the fundamental issue which underlies all the others, and which must be identified and relieved if we are to strengthen our vulnerability to mismanaging our anger -- and making our lives more miserable than it needs to be. The answer found at this level of self-analysis often turns out to be, "I feel so worthless!" It is hard for us to respect someone who is stupid, helpless, inadequate and powerless! And when we have those feelings towards our self, they destroy our respect for our own selves.
We lose our self respect and hold ourselves in contempt. The final step in managing our anger consists of replacing these feeling or worthlessness--even unworthy of our OWN respect -- with its specific antidote. The only antidote for self contempt is self respect.
Anger Management Techniques:
Annexes A
1. Step Back and Breathe
Count to 10 before you say or do anything, don’t speak until you calm down.
2. Ask Yourself:
§ What am I angry about?
§ What is hurting me?
§ What is going on that is not OK for me?
§ Did this person intend to hurt me?
3. Remove yourself from the source of the stress and anger, if possible.
4. Exercise or go for a walk. Moderate physical activity can be a productive outlet for your emotions. Avoid emotionally charged and strenuous workouts, they can feed into the anger.
5. Pray and meditate. Talking to God about your anger will greatly calm you.
6. Empathize with the other person.
§ Try to see the situation from his/her point of view.
§ There is always more than one way to see anything.
7. Write in a journal. Keep track of your anger.
§ What did “I” get angry about?
§ What did “I” do or say in response?
§ How did “I” feel, physically and emotionally?
8. Use “I” statements when talking about the situation instead of criticizing or blaming the other person.
§ “I” am upset that the kitchen didn’t get cleaned after dinner. NOT “Why is the kitchen still a mess?” or “You should have cleaned it!”
9. Stop brooding or stewing. “Mind talk” is a major anger signal and one of the most destructive things that you can do to yourself.
10. Rage starts when you lose control of your own thoughts or feelings.
11. You CAN control what you say.
12. Talk to the person you have anger with.
13. Share your feelings with a close friend or family member.
Annexes B
The following guidelines can also help in overall management of anger:
- Identify sources of stress and provocation.
--What are your current ways of dealing with problems, how can you develop more effective ways of dealing with them?
--Develop a realistic understanding of your limitations and modify expectations of what you can do.
--Work on prioritizing important matters from trivial ones.
--Enlist an objective third party, or "sounding board" to help evaluate your problem-solving strategies.
- Practice stress reduction/relaxation techniques.
--Learn to identify or "tune into" early warning signs of anger (e.g. muscles tensing, increased heart rate, face flushed, etc.) This also includes angry thoughts ("That's it, I've had it", "I'm going to tell that sob. where he can go", etc.)
- Take care of yourself.
--Get adequate rest
--Find a physical outlet (swimming, walking, etc.)
--Eat nutritionally
--Cut down on caffeine
--Eliminate alcohol or other mind-altering non-prescription drugs
- Develop social outlets.
--family/friends
--support groups
--Examine assumptions about others and their motivations-consider alternative explanations for others' behavior. Without enough facts, we tend to fantasize.
- Try to find the humor in situations-don' take things personally!
- Individual counseling can help you deal with depression, losses, sexual frustrations, adjustment issues, and manage stress.
- Develop more realistic and useful standards for evaluating quality of life-these will most likely be different from what society dictates. Areas to look at are:
--work and productivity
--love
--play
--beauty
--male/female roles
Give yourself permission to daydream/ fantasize!
Remember, anger in itself is a valid felling, and frequently is a signal for change-either within oneself or in a relationship. There will be times when expressing anger is necessary in order to make change happen. Keeping anger bottled up inside is not healthy for both emotional and physical well-being. Some points to remember for expressing anger in a constructive manner are:
- --Identify source of anger-be sure it is directed at the appropriate person.
- --Did you perceive the problem accurately?
- --If possible, rehearse your strategy beforehand.
- --Choose the right time and place. Give yourself time to cool off before speaking.
- --Avoid exaggeration (use of words such as "always" or "never").
- --Stick to the issue-avoid "kitchen sinking".
- --Focus on the incident itself, rather than a personal attack ("You are so stupid").
- --Be ready to make concessions-you can't always win. Be prepared to say, "I'm sorry", or "I was wrong", and work at "forgiving and forgetting".
Annexes C
Strategies We Can Use to Keep Anger.
Relaxation
Simple relaxation tools such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn them you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.
Some simple steps you can try:
· Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won’t relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your “gut.”
· Slowly repeat a calm work or phrase such as “relax”, “take it easy”. Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.
· Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.
· Non-strenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you’re in a tense situation.
Cognitive Restructuring
Simply out, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you’re angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, “oh, it’s awful, it’s terrible, everything’s ruined,” tell yourself, “it’s frustrating, and it’s understandable that I’m upset about it, but it’s not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow.”
Be careful of words like “never” or “always” when talking about yourself or someone else. “This machine never works,” or “you’re always forgetting things” are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there’s no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
For example, you have a friend who is constantly late when you make plans to meet. Don’t go on the attack; think instead about the goal you want to accomplish (that is, getting you and your friend there at about the same time). So avoid saying things like, “You’re always late! You’re the most irresponsible, inconsiderate person I have ever met!” The only goal that accomplishes is hurting and angering your friend.
State what the problem is, and try to find a solution that works for both of you; or take matters into your own hands by, for instance, setting your meeting time a half hour earlier so that your friend will, in fact, get there on time, even if you have to trick him or her into doing so. Either way, the problem is solved and the friendship isn’t damaged.
Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won’t make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).
Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it’s justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is “not out to get you,” you’re just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it’ll help you get a more balanced perspective.
Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, and willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don’t get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren’t met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, “I would like” something is healthier than saying “I demand” or “I must have” something. When you’re unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions- frustration, disappointment, hurt- but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn’t mean the hurt goes away.
Problem Solving
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it’s a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn’t always the case. The best attitude to bring such a situation then is not to focus on finding the solution but rather on how you handle and face the problem.
Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. (People who have trouble with planning might find a good guide to organizing or time management helpful.) Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn’t come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts, and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.
Better Communication
Angry people tend to jump to-and act on-conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be pretty wild. The first thing to do, if you are in a heated discussion, is to slow down and think through your responses. Don’t say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your “significant other” wants more connection and closeness. IF he or she starts complaining about your activities, don’t retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden or an albatross around your neck.
It’s natural to get defensive when you’re criticized, but don’t fight back. Instead, listen to what’s underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, ad it may require some breathing space, but don’t let your anger-or a partner’s-let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.
Using humor
“Silly humor” can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrases, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you’re at work and you think of a co-worker as a “dirt bag” or a “single-cell life form,” for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoebae) sitting at your colleagues desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge of your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help un-knot a tense situation.
Angry people tend to feel that they are morally correct, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and those they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them.
When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chanced you have to realize that maybe you are being a little unreasonable; you’ll also realize how unimportant the things you’re angry about really are.
There are two cautions in using humor. First, don’t try to just “laugh off” your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don’t give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that’s just another form of unhealthy anger expression.
What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it’s often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.
Changing Your Environment
Sometimes it’s our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the trap you seem to have fallen into, and all the people and things that form that trap.
Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some “personal time” scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first fifteen minutes she has her own quiet time. After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.
Some other tips for easing up on yourself:
· Timing: if you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night- perhaps you’re tired, or distracted, or maybe it’s just habit- try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don’t turn into arguments.
· Avoidance: if your child’s chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don’t make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don’t say, “well, my child should clean up the room so I won’t have to be angry!” That’s not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.
· Finding alternatives: if your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project – learn or map out a different route, one that’s less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.
Do You Need Counseling?
If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behaviors.
When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach to anger management. Make sure this isn’t only a course of action designed to “put you in touch with your feelings and express them” – that may be precisely what your problem is.
With counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on circumstances and the techniques used.
What About Assertiveness Training?
It’s true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at people who don’t feel enough anger. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn’t something most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations.
Remember, you can’t eliminate anger- and it wouldn’t be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will always happen that will cause you anger. Life will always be filled with frustration, pain, loss and the unpredictable actions of others. You can’t change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even unhappy in the long run.
Annexes D
How to control the anger and diffuse the situation
Cool downs and other techniques
1. A cool down is when you simply leave the situation, get a handle on your feelings and return to handle things more objectively later. This may be what you need to do when you feel your physiological symptoms of anger.
2. Talk your self through it. Reason with yourself and talk yourself into a more calm state. Reminding yourself not to take things personally and talking yourself through the other person’s perspective are examples of positive talk that might help.
3. Meditation and relaxation exercises will help you to relax and diffuse some of your anger. The physiological state you are in when you are relaxed is incompatible with the physiological state you are in when you are angry. Exercises can help the state of relaxation to be dominant so you can handle the situation appropriately.
4. Daydreaming and positive fantasizing are useful tools to distract you from anger when you are not actively listening to someone. For example, you are asked to do a task that you find unfair and resent doing it. You feel yourself beginning to get angry as you do the work. Fantasizing and daydreaming may be a good tool while you complete the task to keep you in a positive state if there are no safety issues involved.
Resolving conflict
1. Express how you feel without being abusive.
2. Listen carefully to what the other person is saying. This is more important than trying to “win” an argument. Do not interrupt.
3. Remember that negotiation and compromise are a vital part of good communication.
4. Don’t forget that no single issue is as important as the overall goal of remaining non-abusive.
Improving your anger control skills is a process.
This is not something that you will be good at overnight. There are several things that you must work on in order to be skilled in the control of anger.
1. Learn to identify your feelings and thoughts, including your physiological feelings that indicate anger.
2. Learn to evaluate any negative thought patterns that may be contributing to your negative state. Analyze your feelings and options that have not worked well in the past to determine better ways of handling potentially anger inducing situations.
3. Work on your communication skills, particularly listening and understanding others.
4. Learn to empathize with others and understand how things must feel from their perspective.
5. Work on your problem solving skills to allow yourself a greater number of options other than anger and frustration.
6. Practice! These skills take practice but can eventually become a part of your natural behavior.
Questions for thought
There are several questions you can ask yourself to help you handle a potentially anger causing situation.
1. Is the matter really that important to me?
2. Is what I am thinking or feeling appropriate? Is it really about the situation or something else?
3. What can I do to create an outcome that I desire without getting upset?
4. Is it better to allow an outcome that I do not particularly desire for the sake of peaceful resolution?
There are several anger management techniques that children, teens and adults can use when they feel angry which can reduce the emotional intensity of our anger and increase our reasonable thinking so that we can work on the original problem. Note that this theme of getting your “emotion down and thinking up” recurs frequently.
1. Learn to recognize the situations that cause us to feel angry. Make a list of the last several anger incidents and look for common themes (particular places, specific people, and certain times of day). Just as recovering alcoholics avoid bars or old friends to make it easier to stay sober, we can choose to limit the amount of time spent in situations that provoke our angry feelings. When situations cannot be limited, we can go into it knowing it is going to be tough and protect ourselves with “mental armor” (go with a trusted friend, decide in advance that we are going to control our anger, etc.).
2. Increase self-awareness. It is generally too late to decide “I’m going to exercise self control now” after we throw a punch or our cell phone. It is far easier to control our angry behavior if we recognize early that we are starting to feel angry. Early warning signs fall into four categories: feelings (frustration, intolerance), thoughts (“I hate this” or “I’ve got to get out of here”), physiological signs (headaches, tight shoulders) and behaviors (walking out when someone is talking, clenching our fists). If we are so self aware that we can see our anger building, we can intervene earlier to solve the problem.
3. Think about our thinking. Most of us simply think and them simply act, without taking time to think about whether or not we are thinking straight in the first place. We sometimes think that we are always right, or that we never win, or that the way things work out is somebody else’s fault, or that 70% isn’t good enough. These are all twisted thoughts; an objective look at our thinking will tell us that obviously we are not always right, and that occasionally we do win, and that we ourselves had a part to play in how things worked out, and that sometimes a 70% achievement is excellent.
4. Relax. There are several relaxation techniques that can help decrease intense feelings of anger, such as deep breathing exercises, yoga, visualizing past peaceful experiences or places, meditation, etc.
5. Get the energy out in positive ways. Sometimes we feel so angry that we are going to explode. Instead of exploding onto the people in our lives, we can explode in healthy ways. We can choose to put our emotional intensity to work in constructive projects (yard work, cleaning the house, etc.) or physical exercise.
6. Take care of ourselves by engaging in positive activity every day. Doing things that we love to do (playing ball, reading, visiting friends) is like putting money into our own personal bank; it builds a reserve of strength and positive energy, so than when we face anger-provoking situations, we can stay calm for much longer before giving in and reacting in anger. If you have ever felt so positive that nothing in the world can bring you down, then you know what I’m talking about. Increasing the volume of our positive experiences and healthy relationships gives us immense protection in the face of anger.
7. Take some time before responding to the situation. Do not confuse this with avoiding the situation; walking away and returning to a calmer situation and ignoring it until the next explosion is NOT anger management. Walking away to think about it and returning to discuss the situation IS anger management. Taking a deep breath, slowly counting to five before responding, or asking for fifteen minutes to think about it before you reply are all ways to buy time and ensure that your response is more controlled (less emotional and more thoughtful).
8. Practice controlling anger. This technique is all about planning. We need to visualize ourselves walking into the situations that provoke our anger, anticipate what people will say or do, and plan how we are going to respond in a manner that is controlled. We should think about several variations in how people will respond to us and decide how we will behavior in each possibility.
Annexes F
What Can I Do About Managing My Anger?
There are three steps to anger management:
1. Understand the pay-offs and the triggers.
2. Learn to calm yourself down in crisis situations.
3. Learn strategies to prevent anger arising in the first place.
Each of these steps is explained in more detail:
1. Understanding the pay-offs and the triggers
Undoubtedly you will get some short-term benefits from your anger. Most of these can be gained more effectively by other means such as assertion. However, in the short term you may have to experience some discomfort as you lose some of the immediate gains of anger such as:
· I feel so much better afterwards.
· It makes people listen.
· I feel more like myself when I am angry.
· If I don’t get angry about things I just cry all the time.
· When I show my anger then people know where they stand and that’s good.
· Anger stops me being afraid.
· If I don’t show my anger then people will think I’m a wimp.
Probably even as you read this you will begin to see that some of these things can be achieved by other more healthy means. Now decide what particular situations trigger your anger so that you can practice staying calm when they next arise.
2. Calming yourself down in crisis situations
The appropriate response depends on the situation – e.g. whether you get angry when alone or when in dispute with another.
Substitute Activities
· Describe the room around you in purely neutral terms.
· Look at things, not people.
· Think of things you have to do today.
· Count to 10 (it does work!)
Avoidance
· Repeat what the other person has said and ask for time to consider.
· Leave if you think you might otherwise lose your temper or be violent.
· Change brain rhythms.
· Play music to yourself and listen closely; if you have don’t have access to music, listen to it inside your head.
· Take exercise of some form.
Relaxation
· Alter your breathing, holding each breath for 5 seconds.
· Tense and relax muscles; tensing each in turn, hold for 5 seconds then release.
· Massage yourself, particularly on your stomach and chest.
· Change postures and roll shoulders.
Imagery
· Imagine a relaxing scene.
· Imagine laughing at yourself and the situation later.
· Imagine neutral scenes, especially ones with people in them.
3. Learning Strategies to prevent Anger arising in the Future
- Decide whether your anger is healthy or unhealthy (see above).
- Avoid stimulants such as alcohol or other drugs if you are working on a long-term solution.
- Read about the subject.
- Ask others who get less angry than you how they do it and try out their ideas.
- Develop a generally more relaxed lifestyle and try to manage stress better.
- Challenge your angry thoughts.
- Beware of disguised anger such as sarcasm or cruel jokes.
- Learn to assert yourself, maybe even go on an Assertion Skills course.
- Consider the past origins of your anger.
- Share your concern with a counselor.
- Seek out specific therapy for anger with referral to a clinical psychologist or psychotherapist who targets this trouble.
ANNEXES G
Ways That We Manage Anger
- Open Aggression: This is the category of anger that includes explosiveness, rage, intimidation, and blame. Included are bickering, criticism, griping, and sarcasm.
Root causes: Emotional energy is expended on non-essential issues and deep insecurity causes a person to increase the effort to be heard.
Solution: Much anger is related to trivial imperfections that will never go away. We live in an imperfect world, and different ness will be part of every relationship. We must accept this fact emotionally in a way that keeps us composed.
Proverbs: A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.
2. Passive Aggression: People try to suppress their feelings of anger by not being openly regretful in their anger. This is caused by the need to have control with the least amount of vulnerability. This person frustrates others by subtle sabotage:
Proverbs: Don’t hang out with angry people; don’t keep company with hotheads.
§ Complain about people behind their backs.
§ Refuse to do someone a favor knowing that it will frustrate him/her.
§ If asked whether you’re frustrated, you respond “No, everything is fine.”
§ Prone to sulk and pout.
§ Become silent when frustrated knowing that it bothers other people.
3. Suppressing Anger: People who use this form of anger just won’t admit it. They maintain a veneer of staying above the problems associated with anger. This person may feel that by suppressing anger they keep a mindset of moral superiority.
4. Assertive Anger: This type of anger preserves personal worth, needs, and convictions, while considering the needs and feelings of others. This can help relationships to grow.
Proverb: Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
§ An overworked member can politely say no to a request to do even more projects.
§ A family member may choose to pursue an independent activity instead of succumbing to the persistent demand of extended family.
§ A tired mom can tell her family that she will take a 30 minute break with no interruptions.
§ A parent can state guidelines for discipline without resorting to debate or condescension toward the child.
How to communicate assertively:
(1) Make sure the issues you communicate are not trivial. Expend your emotional energy on subjects that matter.
(2) Your tone of voice can help create an atmosphere of respect for others.
Speak the Truth in Love.
5. Dropping Anger: Dropping your anger means you accept your inability to completely control circumstances and you recognize your personal limits. This option includes tolerance of differences as well as choosing to forgive. Dropping the anger means accepting the fact that anger management does not hinge on someone else’s decisions.
§ A husband recognizes that, despite his discussions with his wife, she will always be perfectionistic. As a result, he draws his boundaries so he will not always have to comply with her finicky preferences, but he also learns to accept her as she is.
§ Choosing to drop anger is much different than suppressing it. Suppression is phony while dropping anger shows a commitment to godliness.
§ When you choose to drop anger, you realize that grudges are optional, and instead you choose a cleaner life anchored in kindness.
§ Sometimes anger returns: Old frustrations well up in anger. This does not mean you failed at dropping anger. Situations may trigger the emotion of the anger‑causing situation. To solve this remember your original decision to drop it, and “sign up” once again.
Proverbs A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
ANNEXES H
Methods of anger management
Psychologists recommend a balanced approach to anger, which both controls the emotion and allows the emotion to express itself in a healthy way. Examples of which are:
- Direct, such as not beating around the bush, making behavior visible and conspicuous, using body language to indicate feelings clearly and honestly, anger directly at persons concerned.
- Honorable, such as making it apparent that there is some clear moral basis for the anger, being prepared to argue your case, never using manipulation or emotional blackmail, never abusing another person’s basic human rights, never unfairly depowering the weak or defenseless, taking responsibility for actions.
- Focii, such as sticking to the issue of concern, not bringing up irrelevant material.
- Persistent, such as repeating the expression of feeling in the argument over and over again, standing your ground.
- Courageous, such as taking calculated risks, enduring short term discomfort for long term gain, risking displeasure of some people some of the time, taking the lead, not showing fear of other’s anger, standing outside the crowd and owning up to differences, using self-protective skills.
- Passionate, such as using full power of the body to show intensity of feeling, being excited and motivated, acting dynamically and energetically, initiating change, showing fervent caring, being fiercely protective, enthusing others.
- Creative, such as thinking quickly, using more wit, spontaneously coming up with new ideas and new views on subjects.
- Forgiving, such as demonstrating a willingness to hear other people’s anger and grievances, showing an ability to wipe the slate clean once anger has been expressed.
- With regard to interpersonal anger, pschylogist recommends that people try, in the heat of an angry moment, to see if they can understand where the alleged perpetrator is coming from. Empathy is very difficult when angry, but it can make all the difference in the world. Isn't it frequently the case that when we get intensely angry at someone, the next day we feel guilty to some degree? We may say to ourselves something like, "You know, they did have a point. I sort of over-reacted." Taking the other person's point of view can be excruciating when in the throes of anger, but with practice it can become second nature.
- Try to listen carefully to what is being said to you. Anger creates a hostility filter, and often all you can hear is negatively toned.
ANNEXES I
. Four Proven Techniques for Managing Anger
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| The first step towards managing anger in our personal relationships appropriately is the identification of the mistaken attitudes and convictions that predispose us to being excessively angry in the first place! |
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| The second step is the identification of those factors from our childhood that prevents us from expressing our anger as appropriately as we otherwise might. These factors include fear, denial, and ignorance and so on.
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| The third step is learning the appropriate modes of expressing our "legitimate" anger at others so that we can begin to cope more effectively with anger provoking situations as they arise in our personal relationships. When we are anxious or depressed in our relationships, we are often experiencing the consequences of our suppressed anger. The problem is that we have suppressed our anger so deeply that we succeeded in concealing it from our own selves! All we are left with is the residual evidence of it, our anxiety or our depression. When we are depressed, very often we are also angry at our self without realizing it.
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| The fourth step in the Anger Management process is to bind up the wounds that may have been left by the potentially devastating emotional impact of anger. "Anger wounds" left in us against those who have wronged us. If we do not complete this mopping up step, we will cling to the resentment of having been done wrong and will carry the festering residue of our anger and rage in our hearts forever.
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