QUOTES

Ability quotes

The path of least resistance is the path of the loser.
-- H. G. Wells

Martyrdom is the only way a man can become famous without ability.
-- George Bernard Shaw

A genius can't be forced; nor can you make an ape an alderman.
-- Thomas Somerville

God does not ask about our ability, but our availability.
-- Unknown

We all have ability. The difference is how we use it.
-- Stevie Wonder

Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there.
-- John Wooden

No amount of ability is of the slightest avail without honor.
-- Andrew Carnegie

Ability is of little account without opportunity.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte

Advice quotes

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
-- Benjamin Franklin

Always drink upstream from the herd.
-- Will Rogers

Never miss a good chance to shut up.
-- Will Rogers

Advice is like castor oil, easy to give, but dreadful to take.
-- Josh Billings

Consider the postage stamp, my son. It secures success through its ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
-- Josh Billings

Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive.
-- Elbert Hubbard

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
-- Wendell Johnson

The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave -- but there's no need to be in the passing lane.
-- Robert Orben

Albert Einstein Quotes

(1879 - 1955) - German born physicist and Nobel prize winner.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all art and science.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.

Example isn't another way to teach, it is the only way to teach.

Human beings, vegetables, or comic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible player.

Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -how passionately I hate them!

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.


Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must above all be a sheep oneself.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish.
If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber.
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex... It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.
I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.
I do not know with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones.


I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice.
If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
Nationalism is an infantile disease, the measles of mankind.
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to not stop questioning.
A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits
Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed.


Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Beverages quotes

A billion hours ago, human life appeared on earth. A billion minutes ago, Christianity emerged. A billion Coca Colas ago was yesterday morning.
-- Unknown (from a Coca-Cola report)

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put rum or bourbon in it.
-- Lewis Grizzard

Coffee isn't my cup of tea.
-- Samuel Goldwyn

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!
-- Tommy Cooper

Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts.
-- Finley Peter Dunne

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
-- W.C. Fields

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
-- David Daye

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
-- William Clayton

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
-- Humphrey Bogart

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.
-- Dave Barry

Books quotes

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
-- Jerry Seinfield

A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.
-- Ernest Hemingway

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
-- Mark Twain

Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again.
-- Mark Twain (talking about Henry James)

A good novel tells us the truth about it's hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.
-- G. K. Chesterton

There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts.
-- Charles Dickens

Death quotes

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
-- Sam Levenson

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
-- Jack Benny

Death was Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
-- Terry Pratchett (Strata, 1981)

It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you're dead, you're made for life.
-- Jimi Hendrix

Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
-- Somerset Maugham

Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
-- Proverb

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
-- Johnny Carson

At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual.
-- Patrick Moore

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
-- George Burns

The only completely consistent people are the dead.
-- Aldous Huxley

Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
-- Mark Twain

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
-- Winston Churchill

Drink quotes

I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
-- George Gobel

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-- Dean Martin

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-- Catherine Zandonella

A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
-- Edward Abbey

Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.
-- W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Henry Youngman

Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
-- Winston Churchill (replying to Lady Astor's comment 'Sir, you're drunk!')

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
-- George Burns

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
-- G. K. Chesterton

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
-- George Carlin

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-- Ernest Hemingway

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
-- W.C. Fields

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-- Frank Sinatra

Emo Philips Quotes

(b. 1956) - American comedian.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

George Burns Quotes Pages: 1
(1896 - 1996) - American actor, writer, Oscar winner.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

Happiness quotes

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
-- Rita Mae Brown

Happiness: a good bank account, a good cook, and a good digestion.
-- Jean Jacques Rousseau

One of the universal rules of happiness is: always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
-- Terry Pratchett (Jingo, 1997)

For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.
-- Ogden Nash

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
-- Ingrid Bergman

Happiness is like a kiss. You must share it to enjoy it.
-- Bernard Meltzer

Inspirational quotes

And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.
-- Abraham Lincoln

Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap ... but by the seeds you plant!
-- Robert Louis Stevenson

Write it on your heart that every day is the best day of the year.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all art and science.
-- Albert Einstein

It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.
-- Eugene Ionesco Decouvertes

The best way to cheer yourself is to cheer somebody else up.
-- Mark Twain

The miracle is this - the more we share, the more we have.
-- Leonard Nimoy

Hope is the dream of the waking man.
-- Aristotle

The torpid artist seeks inspiration at any cost, by virtue or by vice, by friend or by fiend, by prayer or by wine.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Intelligence quotes Pages: 1
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
-- Mark Twain
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
-- Edgar Wallace
Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
-- Unknown
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
-- Bertrand Russell
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-- Groucho Marx
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
-- Albert Einstein
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
-- Albert Einstein
Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying.
-- Anonymous

Issac Asimov Quotes Pages: 1
(1920 - 1992) - Russian born American author.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it's bad for you.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not Eureka! (I found it!) but 'That's funny...’
To surrender to ignorance and call it God has always been premature, and it remains premature today.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Life quotes

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
-- Will Rogers

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
-- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
-- Lily Tomlin

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.
-- Eddie Izzard

There are no passengers on Spaceship Earth. We are all crew.
-- Marshall McLuhan

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
-- John Lennon (from Beautiful Boy - 1980)

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
-- Issac Asimov

They say the seeds of what we will do are in all of us, but it always seemed to me that in those who make jokes in life the seeds are covered with better soil and with a higher grade of manure.
-- Ernest Hemingway

Life's too short for chess.
-- Henry James Byron

Live in danger. Build your cities on the slopes of Vesuvius.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
-- Lewis Grizzard

Life is just one damned thing after another.
-- Elbert Hubbard

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
-- Tallulah Bankhead

In the end, everything is a gag.
-- Charlie Chaplin

I made up my mind long ago that life was too short to do anything for myself that I could pay others to do for me.
-- Somerset Maugham

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
-- Robert Frost

The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better -- it is just turning around as usual.
-- Finley Peter Dunne

Life's tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.
-- Benjamin Franklin

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
-- George Burns

My experience has taught me that a man who has no vices has damned few virtues.
-- Abraham Lincoln

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
-- Steven Wright

What some people mistake for the high cost of living is really the cost of high living.
-- Doug Larson

In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must above all be a sheep oneself.
-- Albert Einstein

If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber.
-- Albert Einstein

A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?
-- Albert Einstein

When you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.
-- Jean Harlow

Mark Twain Quotes

(1835 - 1910) - American writer, famous for Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer novels.

You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.
Man - a figment of God's imagination.
It is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies.
-- Commenting on the Bible.
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again.
-- (talking about Henry James)
The best way to cheer yourself is to cheer somebody else up.
Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the fight in the dog.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.

It's still good sportsmanship to not pick up lost balls while they are still rolling.
Every generalization is dangerous, especially this one.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes.
In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards.

Men quotes

He was so mean it hurt him to go to the bathroom.
-- Britt Ekland (on Rod Stewart)

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.
-- Diana Jordan

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
-- Robin Williams

A hard man is good to find.
-- Mae West

Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare.
-- Rene Descartes

A succesful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A succesful woman is one who can find such a man.
-- Lana Turner

Man - a figment of God's imagination.
-- Mark Twain

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
-- Robert Benchley (My Ten Years in a Quandary, 1936)

I've dated men my age, younger than me and older. The only difference is the young ones are quicker at taking out the garbage.
-- Lara Flynn Boyle

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Money quotes

When its a question of money, everybody is of the same religion.
-- Voltaire

Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
-- Errol Flynn

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.
-- Frank McKinney Hubbard

The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.
-- Peter Ustinov

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
-- Jackie Mason

Money is just the poor man's credit card.
-- Marshall McLuhan

Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
-- Spike Milligan

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
-- Robert Orben

Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark?
-- Steven Spielberg

To be clever enough to get all the money, one must be stupid enough to want it.
-- G. K. Chesterton

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
-- Yogi Berra

Watch the costs and the profits will take care of themselves.
-- Andrew Carnegie

Parents quotes

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
-- Bob Hope

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bitch.
-- Jack Nicholson

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
-- Samuel Butler

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
-- Josh Billings

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
-- Woody Allen

And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
-- Woody Allen

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
-- Dick Cavett

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

People quotes

The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night.
-- Otto von Bismarck

A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body - the wishbone.
-- Robert Frost

A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
-- Jerry Seinfield

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
-- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard

Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.
-- Abraham Lincoln

The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.
-- Oscar Wilde

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
-- George S. Patton

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by the way he eats jelly beans.
-- Ronald Reagan

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
-- Benjamin Franklin

Put Downs quotes

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
-- Phyllis Diller (on Arnold Schwarzenegger)

The best ears of our lives.
-- Milton Berle (on Clarke Gable)

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
-- Bob Monkhouse (on Jeffrey Archer - English politician, novelist, convict)

She needs open-heart surgery, and they should go in through her feet.
-- Julie Andrews (commenting on columnist Joyce Haber)

Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'
-- Jay Leno

Milton Berle is an inspiration to every young person that wants to get into show business. Hard work, perseverance, and discipline: all the things you need...when you have no talent.
-- Dean Martin

There's a statue of Jimmy Stewart in the Hollywood Wax Museum, and the statue talks better than he does.
-- Dean Martin

He's the kind of guy that when he dies, he's going up to heaven and give God a bad time for making him bald.
-- Marlon Brando (on Frank Sinatra)

Breasts like granite and a brain like swiss cheese.
-- Billy Wilder (on Marilyn Monroe)

Some refer to it as a cultural Chernobyl. I think of it as a cultural Stalingrad.
-- J. G. Ballard (referring to EuroDisney)



I'm a one-man idiot.
-- Eddie Izzard

I'm as pure as the driven slush.
-- Tallulah Bankhead

The right honourable gentleman is reminiscent of a poker. The only difference is that a poker gives off the occasional signs of warmth.
-- Benjamin Disraeli (on Robert Peel)

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
-- Groucho Marx

He would make a lovely corpse.
-- Charles Dickens

I do not know the American gentleman, God forgive me for putting two such words together.
-- Charles Dickens

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
-- Abraham Lincoln

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
-- Groucho Marx

Motivation quotes

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to not stop questioning. -- Albert Einstein

It doesn't matter who you are or where you've come from. You can achieve great things and make a difference in this world. You only need to believe in yourself enough, and you do that by reaching your goals one step at a time. -- Mark Llewhellin

Wisdom quotes

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
-- Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
-- W.C. Fields

Some folks are wise and some otherwise.
-- Josh Billings

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
-- Jimi Hendrix

A candidate is someone who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
-- Unknown

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
-- Samuel Palmer

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.
-- Mae West

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
-- Marty Feldman

I believe in getting into hot water. I think it keeps you clean.
-- G. K. Chesterton

Wise men don't need advice. Fools won't take it.
-- Benjamin Franklin

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
-- Benjamin Disraeli

Every generalization is dangerous, especially this one.
-- Mark Twain

A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
-- Bill Cosby

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
-- Mark Twain

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile--hoping it will eat him last.
-- Winston Churchill

Make happy those who are near, and those who are far will come.
-- Proverb

Example isn't another way to teach, it is the only way to teach.
-- Albert Einstein

You're fooling yourself if you argue with a fool - others may not know the difference.
-- Robert Paul

Never pass up an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.
-- Paul Miller


Love quotes

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
-- John Barrymore

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know.
-- Mistinguette (as quoted in Theatre Arts, Dec 1955)

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
-- Robert Frost

Love ceases to be a pleasure, when it ceases to be a secret.
-- Aphra Behn

(Love) A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
-- Ambrose Bierce

What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.
-- Pearl Bailey

Where love is concerned, too much is not even enough.
-- Pierre De Beaumarchais

Love is the heart of the soul.
-- Robert Paul

Love is a state in which a man sees things most decidedly as they are not.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece.
-- John Ruskin

A kiss: To a young girl, faith; to a married woman, hope; to an old maid, charity.
-- V.P. Skipper

Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
-- Albert Einstein


Stupidity quotes

In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that he did not also limit his stupid
ity.
-- Konrad Adenauer

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.
-- Brian Pickrell

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
-- Frank Zappa

A stupid man's report of what a clever man says is never accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.
-- Bertrand Russell

Most fools think they are only ignorant.
-- Benjamin Franklin

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits
-- Albert Einstein

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
-- Albert Einstein



Computer quotes

The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window.
-- Robert Paul

The question of whether computers can think is like the question of whether submarines can swim.
-- Edsgar Dijkstra

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
-- Edsgar Dijkstra

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
-- Thomas Watson

Always be wary of the Software Engineer who carries a screwdriver.
-- Robert Paul

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
-- Paul Ehrlich

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
-- Pablo Picasso

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
-- Issac Asimov

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
-- Issac Asimov

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-- Emo Philips


Friendship quotes

If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.
-- Harry S. Truman

There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
-- Benjamin Franklin

A real friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
-- Anonymous

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow; Don't walk behind me, I may not lead; Walk beside me, and just be my friend.
-- Albert Camus

Every murderer is probably somebody's old friend.
-- Agatha Christie

Win hearts, and you have hands and purses.
-- Lord Burleigh

Friendship is Love without his wings.
-- Lord Byron

It's much easier to turn a friendship into love, than love into friendship.
-- Proverb


Laughter quotes

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte

You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.
-- Stephen King fromHearts in Atlantis.

Laughter is higher than all pain.
-- Elbert Hubbard

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
-- Victor Borge

Not by wrath does one kill, but by laughter.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
-- W.C. Fields

A day without laughter is a day wasted.
-- Charlie Chaplin

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
-- Will Rogers

He who laughs, lasts.
-- Mary Pettibone Poole


Success quotes

Nature gave men two ends - one to sit on and one to think with. Ever since then man's success or failure has been dependent on the one he used most.
-- George R. Kirkpatrick

People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.
-- Andrew Carnegie

It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and THEN do your best.
-- W. Edwards Deming

Before anything else, preparation is the key to success.
-- Alexander Graham Bell

Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
-- Winston Churchill

Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.
-- Albert Einstein

If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
-- Albert Einstein

Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.
-- Albert Einstein

The road to success is always under construction.
-- Unknown


Marriage quotes

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
-- Spike Milligan

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.
-- Max Kauffmann

Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
-- Unknown

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henry Youngman

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.
-- Les Dawson

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
-- Michel de Montaigne

A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.
-- Lord Byron

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
-- Joey Adams

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
-- Erma Bombeck

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.
-- Benjamin Franklin

There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
-- Clint Eastwood

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
-- Clint Eastwood

Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.
-- Benjamin Franklin

A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.
-- Anonymous

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
-- Marvin Kitman

I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
-- Marie Corelli


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-- Hemant Joshi

Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.
-- Lisa Hoffman

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed.
-- Albert Einstein

I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again.
-- Noel Coward

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
-- Jim Backus

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
-- Anonymous


Children quotes

There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age.
-- Benjamin Spock

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
-- Nancy Mitford

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
-- Phyllis Diller

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
-- W.C. Fields

The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.
-- Fyodor Dostoyevski

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
-- Clarence Darrow

Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

You see, money's not everything in life is it? but it keeps you in touch with your children...
-- Johnnie Casson

A boy's story is the best that is ever told.
-- Charles Dickens

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
-- Jack Benny

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
-- Bill Cosby

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
-- Woody Allen

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. "What do you mean?" responded her mother. "Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another."
-- Unknown


The 30 Latest Amusing Quotes
2 December

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
-- Rita Rudner

I've been in more laps than a napkin.
-- Mae West

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
-- Milton Berle

The best ears of our lives.
-- Milton Berle (on Clarke Gable)

I still believe that at any time the no-talent police will come and arrest me.
-- Mike Myers

I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde.
-- Dolly Parton

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
-- Oscar Wilde

There are two seasons in Scotland - June and Winter.
-- Billy Connolly

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
-- Billy Connolly

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
-- Bob Hope

I was allowed to ring the bell for five minutes until everyone was in assembly. It was the beginning of power.
-- Jeffrey Archer

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
-- Bob Monkhouse (on Jeffrey Archer - English politician, novelist, convict)

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
-- W.C. Fields

29 November

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
-- Robert Frost

I believe in censorship. After all, I made a fortune out of it.
-- Mae West

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" till you can find a rock.
-- Wynn Catlin

Programming is like sex: One mistake and you support it a lifetime.
-- Unknown

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
-- Oliver Herford

An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.
-- Irv Kupcinet

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
-- Dick Gregory

He was so mean it hurt him to go to the bathroom.
-- Britt Ekland (on Rod Stewart)

I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs...like custom officers.
-- Jack Dee

The Law of Raspberry Jam: The wider any culture is spread, the thinner it gets.
-- Alvin Toffler (The Culture Consumers, 1964)

One of the definitions of sanity is the ability to tell real from unreal. Soon we'll need a new definition.
-- Alvin Toffler

We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later.
-- Louis Aragon

She needs open-heart surgery, and they should go in through her feet.
-- Julie Andrews (commenting on columnist Joyce Haber)

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
-- Fletcher Knebel

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
-- Rita Mae Brown

27 November

Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties.
-- George Clooney

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.
-- Diana Jordan


Ralph Waldo Emerson Quotes Pages: 1
(1803 - 1882) - American author, minister.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.
Men succeed when they realize that their failures are the preparation for their victories.
Write it on your heart that every day is the best day of the year.
The torpid artist seeks inspiration at any cost, by virtue or by vice, by friend or by fiend, by prayer or by wine.
The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.
All diseases run into one, old age.
Democracy becomes a government of bullies tempered by editors.
A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.

Steven Wright Quotes Pages: 1
(b. 1955) - American comedian, actor. Visit his site
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ' Happy Birthday .'
How young can you die of old age?

Winston Churchill Quotes Pages: 1 2
(1874 - 1965) - British prime minister, author.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
-- (replying to Lady Astor's comment 'Sir, you're drunk!')

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into a even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile--hoping it will eat him last.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.

Women quotes Pages: 1 2 3
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
-- Steve Martin
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
-- Oliver Herford
At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: 'My dad owns a liquor store.'
-- Mark Klein
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
-- Tim Allen
Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy?
-- Benny Hill
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'
-- Emo Philips
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
-- Lewis Grizzard
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
-- Les Dawson
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.
-- Phyllis Diller (as quoted in Woman's Almanac, 1977)
A woman's guess is much more accurate than a man's certainty.
-- Rudyard Kipling
Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one.
-- W.C. Fields
What would bug a guy from the Taliban more than seeing a gay woman in a suit surrounded by Jews?
-- Ellen DeGeneres (as spoken at the 2001 Emmy's)
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
-- Groucho Marx
It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
-- Tallulah Bankhead
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
-- Joey Adams
Man has will, but woman has her way.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
-- Aristotle Onassis
What a strange thing man is; and what a stranger thing woman.
-- Lord Byron
A woman knows she's wearing the right dress, when her man wants to take it off.
-- Robert Paul
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
-- W.C. Fields
A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Woody Allen Quotes Pages: 1
(b. 1935) - American film director, writer, actor. 3 times Oscar winner.

In Beverly Hills...they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.

And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
-- Getting Even, 'My Philosophy'

Work quotes

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
-- Lily Tomlin
It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.
-- William Faulkner
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
-- Jimmy Durante
The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
-- Robert Frost
People are still willing to do an honest day's work. The trouble is they want a week's pay for it.
-- Joey Adams
If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
-- Ogden Nash
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.
-- Christopher Hampton
The golden rule of work is that the bosses jokes are ALWAYS funny.
-- Robert Paul
I dream for a living.
-- Steven Spielberg
Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all.
-- Sam Ewing
Pages: 1 2
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
-- Robert Frost
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
-- Edgar Bergen
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
-- Jeff Foxworthy
By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.
-- Robert Frost
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
-- Charles Lamb
The first sign of a nervous breakdown is when you start thinking your work is terribly important.
-- Milo Bloom
All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
-- Steve Martin
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done...
-- Anonymous
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
-- Oscar Wilde
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working when you get up in the morning, and doesn't stop until you get to the office.
-- Robert Frost